Hey guys, Mother's Day is coming! Don't bother with a present. All she wants is a card, and for you to avoid the following things:
1. Excessive TV volume
2. Those kitchen cabinets
3. Large portions of meat
4. Eastbound & Down
5. Poorly arranged shoes
6. Fast boats
7. Faster cars
8. Motorcycles
9. Salt
10. Just chilling out for a sec
11. Not staying in one lane on the highway
12. Slayer
13. Hot tubs
14. Using the wrong towel
15. Anal
16. Additives
17. Preservatives
18. Your most fun friend
19. Biking down steep hills
20. "All that sugar"
21. Ostentatiously sized televisions
22. All football announcers at all times
23. Going to the mall on a sunny day
24. Letting the screen door slam shut on its own
25. Billy Bob Thornton
26. Tracking dirt inside the house
27. Slothful lifeguards
28. Leaving the house without proper shoes
29. Leaving the house without an emergency extra layer of clothing
30. Stopping for food on the road instead of bringing 50 small bags of apple slices
31. Sliding your hand along the escalator railing
32. Sharing cups
33. Hotel bedspreads
34. Wiping up something from the floor using the kitchen-sink sponge
35. The threat of undercooked poultry
36. Mildew
37. Enriched white flour
Drew Magary writes for Deadspin. He's also a correspondent for GQ. Follow him on Twitter @drewmagary and email him at [email protected]. You can also buy Drew's new Kindle Single, The Rover, through Amazon.
Image by David Saracino.
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