Showtime is bringing back Twin Peaks soon, much to the delight of your weird uncle and a lot of random folks on Twitter who think it's way cool that David Lynch does weather reports online.
Before we fall down this rabbit hole, I'm going to tell you that my parents took me to see The Elephant Man when I was a kid (please don't do this to your kids), and I've blocked out most of it from trauma. I have seen maybe 20 minutes of Twin Peaks, and I hated it. I sat through 20 minutes apiece of Wild at Heart and The Straight Story before turning both movies off, because I hated them. Like, deeply hated them. They made me want to kill myself. I have never seen Blue Velvet or Mulholland Drive, both by design, because I do not like David Lynch. To me he's just some freakshow making freaky movies designed to be praised by suburban film critics for being so bold and daring. So Twin Peaks can eat a dick, far as I'm concerned.
That sentiment is… uh, not widely shared. Lotta Lynch fanboys out there, including people on the Deadspin staff. Here they are all shouting at me, and then shouting at each other.
drew [1:03 PM] Harvilla, do we have any Twin Peaks hot takes?
drew [1:03 PM] Because David Lynch sucks.
harvilla [1:03 PM] that's a pretty hot take
harvilla [1:03 PM] we do not at present have a hot twin peaks take. David Lynch Sucks would be a fine post on our website
barry [1:04 PM] Does anyone under the age of, say, 35, even have an opinion on Twin Peaks?
Tom Ley [1:04 PM] i had absolutely no idea what twin peaks was until yesterday and so i watched a few clips on youtube and i was a little weirded out tbh
Greg Howard [1:04 PM] no
harvilla [1:04 PM] that's the desired effect tom
billy haisley [1:05 PM] david lynch is dope
Tom Ley [1:05 PM] and then i saw all these motherfuckers on twitter who i know are my age tweeting about how excited they are for twin peaks
Tom Ley [1:05 PM] and i was like :expressionless:
Greg Howard [1:05 PM] i could watch twin peaks and give opinions
Tom Ley [1:05 PM] yeah that's a good idea actually
Greg Howard [1:05 PM] i could have a lil twin peaks recaps and opinions jam
Tom Ley [1:05 PM] can you even acquire the old series these days?
Samer [1:05 PM] twin peaks podcast
harvilla [1:06 PM] why yes you can
billy haisley [1:06 PM] it's on netflix
harvilla [1:06 PM] they just put out some nutso thing
harvilla [1:06 PM] or are about to
marchman [1:06 PM] David Lynch is a god damn genius. David Lynch Sucks is a trash take.
harvilla [1:06 PM] David Lynch Is Fine
Tommy Craggs [1:06 PM] wait
Tommy Craggs [1:06 PM] what
Tommy Craggs [1:06 PM] what's happening in here
marchman [1:07 PM] The staff is laying in strong anti-David Lynch takes
Tommy Craggs [1:07 PM] "blue velvet" sucks
Greg Howard [1:07 PM] i mean we could do this
Tommy Craggs [1:07 PM] "twin peaks" is amazing
Greg Howard [1:07 PM] i think i'll be the judge of that
harvilla [1:07 PM] wow
marchman [1:07 PM] Craggs, you're out of your god damn mind
Tommy Craggs [1:07 PM] no
harvilla [1:07 PM] that is splitting the atom
marchman [1:07 PM] Blue Velvet is the second-best film of the 1980s
Greg Howard [1:07 PM] how many seasons is that jam
Tommy Craggs [1:07 PM] no
billy haisley [1:07 PM] 2 seasons
Tommy Craggs [1:08 PM] you just need the first season, though
Greg Howard [1:08 PM] i think i'll do both, thanks
Tommy Craggs [1:08 PM] second season goes off the rails
billy haisley [1:08 PM] blue velvet does not suck
harvilla [1:08 PM] second season is a trip
Tommy Craggs [1:08 PM] "blue velvet" sucks
marchman [1:08 PM] Second season is junk; first season is perfect
marchman [1:08 PM] Blue Velvet is great
Greg Howard [1:08 PM] second season sounds like basura but i'll see for myself
drew [1:08 PM] I've gotten through twenty minutes of Wild at Heart and The Straight Story and hated both
Samer [1:08 PM] i don't think i've ever seen a david lynch thing
marchman [1:08 PM] Brad Dourif's performance in Blue Velvet is flawless
harvilla [1:08 PM] i liked 'the straight story'
drew [1:08 PM] Isn't blue velvet all rapey?
harvilla [1:08 PM] (and 'twin peaks' for the most part)
drew [1:08 PM] I don't need all that rapeyness
marchman [1:09 PM] The scene where Laura Dern is talking about her dream is the funniest American film scene of the decade
harvilla [1:09 PM] i watched literally like a 10-second clip of 'inland empire' on youtube and it scared the crap out of me
harvilla [1:09 PM] i will never do that again
drew [1:09 PM] David Lynch is all weird and kewl to mess with all the squares
billy haisley [1:09 PM] eraserhead is great too
marchman [1:09 PM] No, David Lynch is just a big ol' square
drew [1:09 PM] No he's not he's a deliberate freak
Tom Ley [1:09 PM] will twin peaks give greg ample opportunity to write things like "he looked your boy dead in the face"
tomscocca [1:10 PM] LOL festival of atrocious David Lynch takes in here.
tomscocca [1:10 PM] Twin Peaks is great; Blue Velvet is great.
drew [1:10 PM] STAN
tomscocca [1:10 PM] That is all.
drew [1:10 PM] STANNY STAN STAN
tomscocca [1:11 PM] I didn't tell you to watch FIRE WALK WITH ME, dum-dum.
Tommy Craggs [1:11 PM] "blue velvet" is "jeff koons: the movie"
Tommy Craggs [1:11 PM] "blue velvet" is "that dumb fucking michael jackson monkey art piece: the movie"
tomscocca [1:11 PM] .... no?
marchman [1:11 PM] No, Blue Velvet is a sequence of literally perfect scenes
Tommy Craggs [1:11 PM] no
drew [1:11 PM] "Blue Velvet is the second-best film of the 1980s"
harvilla [1:11 PM] 'mulholland drive' though
drew [1:11 PM] Aren't we all dying to know Marchman's #1?
Tommy Craggs [1:12 PM] i like how he said second-best so we would have to ask what fucking no. 1
Tommy Craggs [1:12 PM] that's how you do hot takes
marchman [1:12 PM] Dean Stockwell singing "In Dreams" cannot be improved
marchman [1:12 PM] Brazil is obviously #1
drew [1:12 PM] Oh FFS
billy haisley [1:12 PM] brazil fucking blows
harvilla [1:12 PM] hahahaha
kyle [1:12 PM] i like when the dads argue about things from their youth
drew [1:12 PM] Make anything weird and Marchman's on it
barry [1:12 PM] Big shocker. Marchman likes Terry Gilliam.
Burneko [1:12 PM] blue velvet is terrible
Tom Ley [1:12 PM] i like when billy can somehow hold court in these dad arguments
marchman [1:12 PM] These are plain vanilla movie takes
Tommy Craggs [1:12 PM] billy is a closet dad
Tom Ley [1:12 PM] yung dad
billy haisley [1:13 PM] yeah but like the coolest dad
drew [1:13 PM] He's quiet and angry enough to be a dad
tomscocca [1:13 PM] "Blue Velvet is terrible" is just a challop.
drew [1:13 PM] What is a challop
Samer [1:14 PM] drew: challenging opinion, i think
barry [1:14 PM] does a challop differ from a hot take?
Tommy Craggs [1:14 PM] "blue velvet" is a favorite of film-school types because it allows them to sneer at the rubes
tomscocca [1:14 PM] A hot take is a reaction to an event.
Tommy Craggs [1:14 PM] hence: "jeff koons: the movie"
marchman [1:14 PM] A challop is a challenging opinion that the person offering it doesn't actually believe, or expect anyone to believe he believes
tomscocca [1:14 PM] A challop is something that the person carries always around waiting to deploy.
Burneko [1:15 PM] blue velvet isn't even genuinely weird; it's superficially weird, and actually boring as hell
billy haisley [1:15 PM] blue velvet is way too straightforward to be a film-school type favorite
marchman [1:15 PM] "Blue Velvet is trash" is definitely a challop
marchman [1:15 PM] It's not weird at all, it's a very conventional movie
Tommy Craggs [1:15 PM] that's a challop
marchman [1:15 PM] It's just exceptionally well done
Tommy Craggs [1:15 PM] "blue velvet is not weird" is a challop
tomscocca [1:15 PM] Never imagined Deadspin would be so fired up for Columbus Day.
barry [1:16 PM] can't we start a "Deadspin olds" room and take this conversation there?
marchman [1:16 PM] How is it weird? It's bog standard suburban anomie
drew [1:16 PM] Stop saying challop. Now I want seafood
Burneko [1:16 PM] hahah
tomscocca [1:16 PM] "Anomie" Jesus Christ Marchman.
harvilla [1:16 PM] hot take: the word 'challop' sucks
Greg Howard [1:16 PM] just immerse myself in twin peaks
Tommy Craggs [1:16 PM] "bog standard suburban anomie"—and this is your second-favorite movie of the '80s?
Greg Howard [1:16 PM] 72 hours of that twin peaks life
Samer [1:16 PM] :toilet: :toilet: :toilet:
Tom Ley [1:16 PM] is this how you guys felt when we talked about jaden smith music for like an hour?
drew [1:16 PM] I'm posting all this, by the way. This is now a post.
marchman [1:16 PM] I don't look for moral messages in film, I just want it to be well done
Tommy Craggs [1:17 PM] challop: "valley girl" is a better movie about suburban anomie than "blue velvet"
Tommy Craggs [1:17 PM] challop: "valley girl" is a better movie
Tommy Craggs [1:17 PM] period
harvilla [1:17 PM] really looking forward to greg IM'ing me after the 'twin peaks' pilot being like "yeah, no"
tomscocca [1:18 PM] Craggs still waiting for someone to engage with him on Jeff Koons.
tomscocca [1:18 PM] Out picketing the retrospective.
tomscocca [1:18 PM] With a hand-scrawled sandwich board.
Tommy Craggs [1:18 PM] craggs still waiting for someone to prove him wrong
marchman [1:18 PM] Actually, I'm going to backtrack
Tommy Craggs [1:19 PM] "that dumb fucking michael jackson monkey art piece: the movie"
marchman [1:19 PM] "The King of Comedy" is the best movie of the 80s
Burneko [1:19 PM] what in the damn hell
harvilla [1:19 PM] this slack is somehow worse than the dead-bird slack from yesterday i somehow avoided
Image by Jim Cooke.