Continuing with the timeless tradition of NFL teams extolling the virtues of a futuristic, unworkable stadium plan that your city does not want or need, here is the Worst Franchise On Earth unveiling their proposed new stadium, which has clearly been rastafied by at least 10 percent.
The images, revealed on 60 Minutes last night, show a translucent wave-like structure surrounded by a moat for kayakers, along with parks and bridges for tailgaters and fans. Yes, kayakers. Because nothing says football like kayaking. And a moat! What better way for Dan Snyder to dispel the idea that he is a self-crowned dwarf monarch than by putting a fucking MOAT around his stadium?
Ah, but those are just TWO hilarious and insane elements of this spec design. Take a closer look at the design—commissioned by the Skins for architectural firm and possible Midwestern design conference BIG—and you will see …
SURFERS. Hang ten, dude! I’m all about catching tasty waves and learning facts about Native Americans that the liberal media doesn’t want you to know! My deepest gratitude to the first person to Photoshop Poochie on that surfboard.
RAPPELLERS. Quick! Let’s all scale down the wall of the stadium to go apprehend the Blues Brothers. I’ve met Skins fans and I can promise you that they’re not fit to climb anything. They can barely step up in to their F150s after drunkenly hurling epithets at DeSean Jackson for three hours.
A FUCKING BEACH. What am I gonna do with a stadium beach in November with the Skins 0-9? The only person who will still be enjoying his time out here is Kirk Cousins’s agent.
ROLLERBLADERS. Someone at BIG was clearly like, “We need it to appeal to the youngs. I KNOW! ROLLERBLADES! The youngs do that! Let’s have them bonging Dew as well!”
Of course, none of these idiotic features will be part of whatever repugnant boondoggle Dan Snyder ends up ramrodding through the DC city council. This is all just part of the con: the idea that some billionaire asshole’s stadium will be a hive of community activity and human vitality, when in reality it will be a soulless cavern populated eight times a year by drunken shitbags, with all the charm of a Trump rally. Next time the Skins design a new stadium I hope BIG just draws a giant toilet instead.
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