Deadspin is currently in the process of reporting a story on its owners, an exercise that we’ve done in the past to varying degrees. In a total coincidence, the folks in charge have started pushing for a “public editor” to ensure that all future articles that may include reporting on ourselves would be “objective.” One of those folks even sent a 5,000-word email to the entire company to get ahead of his own site’s story. Thanks for pissing on our scoop, man.
In the interest of reaching a compromise, even though the flop-sweaty maneuver infringes upon the editorial independence guaranteed in the collective bargaining agreement negotiated by our wonderful union, Deadspin has agreed to allow a public editor to look at this story—provided it is one of the following candidates and no one else:
- Kyle Wagner
- Laura Wagner
- Moritz Wagner
- Jim Tomsula
- Nathan Peterman
- Lennay Kekua
- Daniel Radcliffe
- Mack Scocca-Ho
- Our uncle who works at Nintendo
- Wilfredo
- @baberuth
- Mr. Baseball
- Karl
- Rick Bacon
- Kingsley
- Ned
- Cryptkeeper Al Davis
- Margaret Sullivan or someone
- Not Kevin Draper
- One of the Deadspin children, selected at random
- One of Deadspin’s evolution-defying pugs, selected at random
- One of Deadspin’s many Canadian girlfriends, selected at random
- Katharine Graham (Diana’s cat, not that dead lady)
- The giant Jon Gruden bobblehead we still have in our office for some reason
- Red Gruden
- Fuck it, Jon Gruden
- Ben, our loyal tipster
- Ben, our other loyal tipster
- Those other loyal tipsters—you know who you are
- The reader named “George Gun” who once emailed us “VIETNAM MOTHERFUCKERS” and nothing else
- One of the commenters in the greys who brag about how much money they’ve made working from home
- Spim Janfeller ... wait a minute, that mustache comes right off! How’d he get in here?!