Boston: Bruins 6, Hurricanes 2
The B’s rolled to an easy victory thanks to two goals from Brad Marchand and 40 saves from Tukka Rask.

Chicago: Brewers 7, Cubs 4
Poor Carlos Marmol spent his opening day getting showered by boos from Cubs fans, which apparently angered many of his teammates. Fans should feel free to respond to that anger with more boos.

Cleveland: Yankees 11, Indians 6
Remember when Ubaldo Jimenez used to throw hard and be really good? He had another brutal outing, giving seven runs in four-and-one-thirds innings, and his average fastball velocity was 90 mph.

St. Louis: Reds 13, Cardinals 4
Shin-Soo Choo did his best to give this game away, but his team responded by scoring nine freaking runs in the top of the ninth inning and blowing out the Cards.

Arlington: Rangers 5, Rays 4
Great news, we have our first colossal umpiring fuck up of the season. Thanks, Marty Foster.

Philadelphia: Mets 7, Phillies 2
Things didn’t get much better for Roy Hallady in his second start of the season. He gave up seven earned runs and was chased after just four innings. Meanwhile, Matt Harvey is the second coming Tom Seaver.

Atlanta: Louisville 82, Michigan 76
So there you go, the Louisville Cardinals are your 2013 NCAA tournament champions. This game was about as entertaining as we could have hoped for, despite some shaky officiating. Anyway, let’s just enjoy Peyton Siva’s dad some more.

Toronto: Red Sox 13, Blue Jays 0
Will Middlebrooks hit three home runs, which is great news for Boston fans who were eager for a new white guy to get the vapors over.

San Francisco: Cardinals 14, Giants 3
Matt Cain really fucked up. Everything was going fine for the Giants and their ace until the fourth inning, when Cain surrendered nine (!) runs. According to Elias, he’s the first pitcher to give up that many runs in one inning since 1902.

New Orleans: UConn 83, Notre Dame 65
The Huskies are headed to the title game thanks to a 29-point performance by Breanna Stewart. Notre Dame star Skylar Diggins picked a shitty time to have a bad game, ending her college career with 10 points on 3-15 shooting.

Los Angeles: Clippers 109, Lakers 95
The Clippers locked up their first division title in history, while the Lakers continue to be in real danger of not making the playoffs. Nothing really makes sense anymore.

Arlington: Rangers 7, Angels 3
Yu Darvish followed up his near perfect game by giving fantasy owners a heart attack, leaving the game after the fifth inning with an injury. It turned out to just be a blister, though, so he should be fine.

Cincinnati: Reds 6, Nationals 3
Stephen Strasburg got knocked around a bit, surrendering six runs in just five-and-one-thirds innings. He also threw 114 pitches, so it’s probably time to just shut him down and save his arm for next year.

Oklahoma City: Knicks 125, Thunder 120
The Knicks are officially unstoppable. That’s 12 wins in a row for the team that has only one healthy big man. It’s easy to win games when J.R. Smith is doing shit like this, though:

Boston: Bruins 1, Devils 0
The Bruins won thanks to Jaromir Jagr’s first goal as a member of the team. It wasn’t a pretty goal, Jagr deflected the puck into the net with his skate, but what else do you want from a 41-year-old? He can score however he wants to.

Cleveland: Scott Kazmir heads back to the DL
Kazmir is returning to his natural habitat with a strained ribcage muscle. But the good news is that top prospect and rap phenom Trevor Bauer will be taking over Kazmir’s spot in the rotation.

Atlanta: Phillies 2, Braves 0
Good news for Phillies fans who are worried about Roy Halladay pitching like a big weirdo: it looks like Cliff Lee is still good! He pitched eight shutout innings, allowing just two hits while striking out eight.

Washington DC: Nationals 6, Marlins 1
Ryan Zimmerman is good. Bryce Harper is good. The Marlins started Greg Dobbs at first base. The Marlins should just go away.

New York: Yankees 4, Red Sox 2
The Yankees get the first win of the season thanks to eight strong innings from Andy Pettite and a save from Mariano Rivera, his first since blowing out his knee. It’s like 1998 up in here!

Denver: Nuggets 95, Mavericks 94
Motherfucker. The Nuggets got the win thanks to a last-second layup from Andre Iguodala, which is cool for them, but they also lost Danilo Gallinari to what appears to be a torn ACL, which is fucking awful for them. Say goodbye to your Western Conference darkhorse.