Welcome to Tuesday Night Fights, a weekly celebration and analysis of street-fight videos found on YouTube. Tonight's fisticuffs: "Oh Shit!!!! Guy gets beat tf up in shower." Tonight's commentator: Rodney Anonymous, frontman of The Dead Milkmen, marking the first time a Tuesday Night Fights reviewer has returned for more action.
It's a real struggle to mine a nugget of comedic gold out of what is essentially a 34 second live-action version of the Tallahassee Sex Offender Registry. People, unless you're reading aloud from the works of Mark Twain, there is no goddamn excuse for using the N-word. As, I don't recall Huck Finn ever turning to Jim, as they floated peacefully upon the Mississippi River, and saying "Wuz up, Niggah?," I think we can safely assume that the wrong person is getting their freshly scrubbed ass whupped in this clip.
That said, anything can have an element of humor. For example, Oliver Stone's "JFK" is instantly transformed from an inaccurate historical crapfest to a hilarious, if unintentionally so, comedy the second Sissy Spacek delivers the line "Honestly, I think sometimes you care more about John Kennedy than you do your own family!" With that in mind, let's take a fresh look at this video.
If you replace Apollo Crap's high-decibel pejoratives with the sound of violins trilling, ala the famous shower scene in Hitchcock's "Psycho", the clip morphs from a simple assault into a compelling mystery: Who are there men? Why is one beating the other senseless? Why is someone filming this? Why, in the name of shit, would a grown man have a Mickey Mouse shower curtain?
The explanation is clear, but only to those who are old enough to remember when records where sold – mostly by the K-tel Corporation – on television. Obviously the man receiving the pummeling did not heed the other fellow's warning of "No my brother; you must buy your own" when he asked if he could borrow Nacho Camacho's "Hey Love" record.
In conclusion, this video teaches us the valuable lesson that if a you loaned a friend your copy of "Misfits Walk Among Us" back in 1983 and your buddy still hasn't returned it, you have a moral obligation to beat their ass as they exfoliate.
And now, the rest of your Tuesday Night Fights:
• Come on inside for "GIRL FIGHT AT CLUB IN BROWARD COUNTY 101." Here, girls fight, at club, in Broward County. What remains uncertain is whether this is the 101th time they have done so, or if this is an introductory lesson in getting your confrontation on World Star, even if your cinematographer is not of steady hand. WORLD STAR! (Start of violence, 0:24)
• Well, here's some Lodo Libre. Just because. (SoV, 0:11)
• When your biggest claim-to-fame is Don Vito trawling in a windowless van, lady brawlin' in the middle of your West Chester, Pa. street is the least of your worries, no? (SoV, 0:04)
• Your Weekly "Strippers" (Just Can't Seem To Stop) Fighting" Intermission:
• Round One: Two kids fighting in a pagoda. Round Two: Girl's dad comes to fight whomever is causing her "all that trouble" only to have his ginger pal intervene. (SoV, 1:53 and 3:28)
• Explains videographer willBeamer, "A group of men and women wearing capes fight a less-than-intelligent local idiot outside of the Ale House on this beautiful Sunday afternoon. An entertaining twist to the otherwise relaxing and peaceful birthday dinner." Well, happyhappy birthday to will, to will, to will! (SoV, 0:09)
• Portugal Day Feast #1, WORLDSTAR! WORLDSTAR! SHOUT-OUT WORLDSTAR, MARK! (SoV, instantly)
• Yvonne just don't give a fuck. (SoV, 0:07)
• Your "Take Down An Attacker Who Is Trying To Grab You From Behind" One To Grow On:
• This would call for a Deadspin I-Team if a) the footage's origin was made clear and b) it couldn't be perceived as a call for vigilante justice. So, instead, it's just some jitbag punching a woman in the face. (SoV, instantly)
• This "wayzata powderpuff fight" includes young ladies resorting to violence to settle their differences, and a really big thumb over the lens throughout. (SoV, instantly)
• Though this here park fight between the "North East Fam" and member of the "Brown Pride" think tank commences with "one-on-one" exhortations, those best intentions are quickly discarded in the name of a multi-person foot-stomping initiative. (SoV, 0:19)
• Here's some kids fighting between school buses. (SoV, instantly)
• Your Weekly Russian Street Fight Interlude, aka "Caucasian Students Fight Police to Protect Friends."
• Additional Russian Street Fight coverage, this one involving a gowned woman who drops two potential suiters in a field. (SoV, instantly)
• Now they fighting over syrup in O-Town. (SoV, 0:42)
• Your Eat Lightning And Crap Thunder Intermezzo:
• This one's called "two girls fighting at a soccer game." Poll: If this is not what you expected to see from the title, are you raycess? (SoV, 0:08)
• Birnamwood, Birnamwood always up to no good. (SoV, instantly)
• Others: "HOW ALL HOODRAT FIGHTS USUALLY GO DOWN!" "He Who Gets Knocked Out While Driving Tends To Crash Car." "Another night and just another drunken Hindley Street punch-up." "Philly Girls Street Fighter Edition." "Protesters, fights, police on crescent june 9 2012 during formula 1 weekend." "street fight!!" "#WallStreetProblems." "Niikkii V.s Almary (That Shiit CRAAAAYYY!!!!)." "Big Girl Beats On Her Brother in Law for hitting Sister." "2 guys getting beat up." "2 Knockouts At The Same Damn Time In Detroit!" "[CLUB FIGHT!] Don't Sleep on Myrtle Beach SC!" "Fight Between Two Ice Cream Truck Drivers." "FIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!" "Epic Kung Fu Fight Attempt Fail."
• Your Naked Dude Brawls In Hollywood, Fla. Publix Parking Lot Coda (aka H.R. Block gets some nice product placement thanks to an exposed dong):