Tyler Perry, tired (temporarily) of wearing dresses in his own movies, stars tomorrow in Alex Cross, playing the titular character of James Patterson's series of novels. Here is a semi-comprehensive list of everything Tyler Perry pretends to do in Alex Cross, in order. Spoilers abound.
- Runs.
- Holds a gun.
- Punches a man.
- Is surprised his wife is pregnant.
- Wears a tie.
- Untucks his shirt.
- Kisses his wife.
- Answers phone.
- Opens door.
- Calls his partner (Edward Burns) on the phone.
- Puts on another shirt.
- Drives a car.
- Tells Edward Burns he loves him.
- Inspects a crime scene.
- Looks concerned.
- Sees a dead body and looks sad.
- Narrates a torture scene from looking at the evidence.
- Praises a psychotic's charcoal painting technique.
- Uses a woman's severed thumb to open a safe.
- Slices open an envelope.
- Takes an assault rifle away from a German guy.
- Rides an elevator.
- Snarls.
- Points a rifle at psychotic Matthew Fox.
- Jumps out of the way of a grenade.
- Crawls out from under a table.
- Staggers.
- Glowers.
- Explains what Matthew Fox's nose looks like to a sketch artist.
- Describes Matthew Fox as a "stimulus-seeking sociopathic narcissist."
- Tells a coked-up secretary he just ate at McDonald's.
- Comforts a scared Jean Reno.
- Refuses Cognac.
- Looks annoyed by Jean Reno.
- Has a drink with his wife.
- Makes a joke.
- Looks at a disgusting picture on his phone.
- Calls Matthew Fox "one sick twisted son of a bitch."
- Asks Matthew Fox if he "zaps his testicles with a stun gun."
- Runs to save his wife from Matthew Fox.
- Fails.
- Holds his dying wife's head.
- Cries.
- Cries.
- Cries.
- Says "no, no, you're OK."
- Cries.
- Cries.
- Sits in a church pew.
- Cries.
- Attends funeral.
- Gets a drawing of Matthew Fox.
- Calms down Edward Burns.
- Comforts daughter.
- Tells daughter about his dad dying.
- Answers phone.
- Tells Matthew Fox, "I'm gonna watch your soul come oozing out of your body, you maggot."
- Shows regret.
- Bulges eyes.
- Crushes phone.
- Takes shirt off.
- Saws off shotgun.
- Holsters handgun.
- Sasses his mother.
- Vows revenge.
- Holds flashlight in mouth.
- Watches Edward Burns weld.
- Wears do-rag.
- Asks Giancarlo Esposito if he knows a chemist.
- Breaks into a warehouse.
- Punches chemist.
- Throws chemist into a table.
- Hits chemist with golf club.
- Rocks back and forth in anguish.
- Weaves in and out of traffic.
- Yells at motorist to "move!"
- Argues with his superior officer.
- Furrows brow in frustration.
- Looks furtively in several directions while a camera circles him.
- Runs away from an explosion.
- Rams Matthew Fox's car with his truck.
- Chases Matthew Fox into the Michigan Theater.
- Shouts at Matthew Fox.
- Gets hit by Matthew Fox with a wrench.
- Punches Matthew Fox.
- Karate chops Matthew Fox.
- Bangs Matthew Fox's head against a pipe.
- Kicks Matthew Fox in the groin.
- Screams as Matthew Fox breaks his arm.
- Throws Matthew Fox down a staircase.
- Hangs from a pipe.
- Drops Matthew Fox to his death.
- Drinks coffee.
- Tells Edward Burns, "This ain't over."
- Skypes with Jean Reno.
- Figures out Jean Reno's grand plan.
- Listens on Skype as Jean Reno explains his grand plan.
- Smirks as Jean Reno realizes Alex Cross has framed him for a crime.
- Nods as Edward Burns says, "We got him."
- Says, "Yep, we got him good."
- Laughs.
- Laughs.
- Shakes Edward Burns's hand. "Thank you, brother."
- Goes back home.
- Looks at daughter.
- Smiles.
Fin.
You think that's crazy? You should see Matthew Fox.
Grierson & Leitch is a regular column about the movies. Follow us on Twitter, @griersonleitch.