Is the grandfather a Habs or a Pens fan? Because that's going to determine who inherits the gold watch. Read more

I'd gladly pay $100 for a Flu Blame Tracker app... Read more

...he wants an "Auburn Hottie." Read more

@dont-forget-where-you-came-from-cheese mac: Excellent. Read more

As a gesture of inclusion, the paper will be renamed the Herald and Herald. Read more

Awesome. You can't spell "Craggs" the way I spell it* without "rage"! Read more

I'm not surprised all the Ryans have foot issues. I am surprised the issue isn't gout. Read more

This guy has dined out on one snatch more times than Kevin Federline. Read more

@InSinSeer: I've matured. All my hatred is directed at Bosh now. Read more

It Nate Robinson gave the dunk contest a stay of execution, does that mean Vince Carter signed the pardon? Read more

If Walt were in a threesome with Heidi Klum and Seal, he'd be camouflaged. Read more

Let me clear this up: in the NBA, "white shooters" is a euphemism for projectile ejaculators. Read more

Anytime an Orioles pitcher hits his target, you know it was an accident. Read more

...Candy Deepthroat (not her given name)... Read more

But punters are just so damn queer! Read more

"I've got time for two more soft, curvy, perfectly cascading fountains of foot fingers...I mean questions! You there, Gribsy." Read more

@SteveJeltzFan: +1. Read more

That'll prove a nice change of pace from my other fetish of masturbating to the obituaries. Read more

@SavetoFavorites: I should have checked here before I used a worse version of this joke on Twitter. Read more

What is she, about a size 4? Read more