Cleveland: Cavaliers reach out to Phil Jackson
I don't think that's going to work out for the Cavs. Phil seems to be having too much fun tweeting with his friends to get back into the coaching game.

Milwaukee: Brewers 4, Cubs 2
Oh Ryan Braun, you so sassy.

Anaheim: Angels 4, Tigers 3
Mark Trumbo's 13th-inning home run gave the Angles a walk-off win, so that's the good news for Angels fans. The bad news is that Josh Hamilton went 0-for-5 with two strikeouts. He's hitting .176.

Indianapolis: Pacers 107, Hawks 90
Paul George had a triple double, so that was neat! I would tell you more, but nobody gives a shit about this series.

Miami: Heat 110, Bucks 87
LeBron did LeBron things—finishing with 27 points, 10 rebounds, and eight assists—and the Bucks made us realize just how much we want this series over with as soon as possible.

San Antonio: Spurs 91, Lakers 79
The best part of this game was getting to watch Kobe Bryant live tweet the whole thing. Too bad he won't have many more opportunities to do it again.

Oklahoma City: Thunder 120, Rockets 91
The Thunder did what we expected them to, blitzing the Rockets with 24 fast-break points and 50 points in the paint. James Harden was held to just 20 points, and not a single other Rockets starter scored in double digits.

New York: Tim Tebow's personal coach keeps talking
Seriously, why is this guy talking so much?

Miami: Nationals 6, Marlins 1
An ailing Bryce Harper had to get an IV before the game and reportedly vomited between innings, but he still went 4-for-5. Puke and rally, bro.

Atlanta: Royals 1, Braves 0
The Royals somehow prevented the Braves from hitting a mess of home runs like they do every game, and the Braves earned just their second loss of the season.

Pittsburgh: Pirates 5, Cardinals 0
A.J. Burnett carried a perfect game into the seventh inning before Carlos Beltran broke it up with a two-out double. Burnett still had a great game, though, which means it's time for … A.J. Burnett T-shirt GIF!:

Portland: Warriors 99, Trailblazers 88
Steph Curry made four three-pointers to set the single-season mark for made threes at 272. Steph Curry is the fucking man.

Los Angeles: Lakers 99, Rockets 95
The Lakers beat the Rockets in overtime and earned the privilege of getting crushed by the Spurs in the first round.

Boston: Sabres 3, Bruins 2
The Bruins lost the first professional sporting event to be played in Boston since the marathon bombings, but the loss doesn't really matter. What does matter is this.

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"How can I overstep the boundaries of my power today?"

Los Angeles: Clippers 93, Blazers 77
Can we just start the playoffs already?

Los Angeles: Bud Selig hates fun
God, MLB. You are just the worst sometimes.

Colorado: Rockies sweep snowy double header
The Rockies took the first game by a score of 8-4 thanks to a triple and a home run from Carlos Gonzalez, and they rallied to win the nightcap with a walk-off hit in the 10th inning. Nobody came to see the games, because it was fucking freezing, but this guy had a good time.