Welcome to Tuesday Night Fights, a weekly celebration and analysis of street-fight videos found on YouTube. Tonight's fisticuffs: the potentially staged "Bitch Fight." Tonight's commentator: Danni Starr (a proud new mommy who handled the blowback from her appearance on two episodes of Bridezillas last season with aplomb). Oh, this isn't her "wedding," by the way.
I consider myself a lover and not a fighter, but I'll be damned if someone is going to infiltrate my wedding and whoop my ass.
This is precisely why you have a bridal party. You may not be the best fighter in the world, but if you have a wedding party of six, at least two should be ready and willing to choke someone out for you so that you don't break a sweat on what is supposed to be the best day of your life.
There are a few points that need to be addressed.
One: this wedding better not have actually went down. If a woman shows up to take you out on your wedding day, it's safe to assume your future husband is shady as hell.
Two: the bystander effect has literally screwed the world. How the hell do you watch a bride get her ass kicked on her wedding day? No, you shouldn't have to take a beating for her, but damn could you at least try to break it up?
Three: men are perverts. As I am watching this knockdown drag-out fight, I am disgusted that someone would have the audacity to mess up someone's wedding ... my husband, however, had the biggest grin on his face. Gross.
There are many places that a fight shouldn't go down but two for sure, a funeral and a wedding.
If you are on a motorcycle headed to stop a wedding by attacking the bride, know this: HE WON'T MARRY YOU! He picked her, so whooping her ass, although an ego stroke for him, probably not the best idea.
Obviously these girls have never really been in a fight, this was pretty much soft-core porn - a lot of moaning, hair pulling and thong showing. This would have NEVER gone down in my world.
I have witnessed shit go down in real life that you wouldn't believe, but my vote is that this was staged. All that moaning? Get the hell outta here!
And now, the rest of your Tuesday Night Fights:
• Welcome to the "Eastside Of DeRidder!!!" Here, amply bosomed and/or buttocked foes posture and eye one another up. Perhaps one tries to remedy the situation without resorting to violence. The other is resolved to remain in a state of razor-edged preparation. This is commitment to cause. This is commitment to seeing things through. Back down, no she won't. Not on DeRidder's eastside. This is sensed. This is honored. A sizing-up commences. Battle is an inevitability. Eastside, never die. (Start of Violence, 1:13)
• So, yeah, I know the guy in this week's Philadelphia public-transportation melee. The victim, that is. His name's Bas. A good photographer. He's OK, except for some "blood crusts in my nose." (SoV, 0:42)
• It can't possibly be a coincidence that a flurry of eight brutal, potentially fatal head shots are landed within a second of a jorted man enterin' the frame. (SoV, instantly)
• Dude in tie-dyed shirt gets dropped in front of a Buffalo bar, runs, falls, runs. Scampy! (SoV, 0:23)
• Your "last Sunday, a lady with really tall heels — like, she's trying to mask some sort of deficiency tall heels — went into the Denny's in Redlands, Cal. Exchanged words led a solid upperarmflabbed gal to break a plate or something. Then, there's an exposed ass. Then, a misplaced thong in the presence of Michael Huff (or some dude wearing a Michael Huff jersey). And, well, take a look and start mulling your wittiest 'Moons Over My Hammy' variation" Intermission Report:
• If you're into aggravated assaults, you should watch this tiff that resulted in arrest. Of the victim. (SoV, 0:23)
• Dania T. apparently decided now was the time, and an understated living room (maybe) was the place to do battle with Ashley Lily. By all accounts, this was not a good decision. (SoV, instantly)
• When a fight breaks out near "Electric Cowboy" in Louisville, Ky. on Father's Day, a gent in a Scott Rolen T-shirt, like, stands nearby. He wants no part of this, but he won't let onto that with his posture. (SoV, 0:06)
• Your Weekly Philadelphia Street-Fight Update. (SoV, 0:26) Bonus Coverage: "Edgewood St. K.O.!!!" Bonus Coverage 2: "This Is What Happens When Two Rather Roomy Gals Fight At K & A."
• This Bra Fighting Interlude Is Brought To You By Prettyboy YT:
• This Bra Fighting Follow-Up Is Titled "Granger High Girls," And That's Worrisome. (SoV, 0:30)
• Here's a fight in which the lady participant got knocked clear out of her panties. (SoV, aftermath)
• This bro can take a punch. Of course, he'll get knocked the fuck out by it, but he still took it. (SoV, 0:05)
• Your How To Defend Against A Baseball Bat One To Grow On:
• And now, Chinese Children Boxing, a film in which Chinese children are boxing. (SoV, 0:05)
• This looks like it hurts. All in the dirt, brah! (SoV: 0:06)
• Others: "DC Nights On U Street: Geek Makes Goon Tap Out.....TWICE!!!" "Bar Fight in Boise." "Lady Ninja - Old Lady Vs Old Man Street Fight." "Fight Felix VS Provencher." "hood fight (stern)." "Brawl at Brynn's." "Tynil vs Ashley." "Ghetto Fights in Pomona, Ca." "Denver vs. Myles." "Girl gets washed for talking shit." "Hobo Vs. Pedestrian." "Double KO of Two guys at Gas Station." "Girl Fight 2v2 New!!" "Massive Train Fight with Drunk Guy." "Hitman Holla Gets Beat Up." "NIGGAS THROWININ!!!!!" "street fight of girl in nepal." "pārdzēries pāķis kaujas ar policiju."
• Your Family That Posts Something Called "Family Day With Fighting Club" Video, Stays Together: