In Monday’s writeup of Canada’s baseball team defeating the United States in the Pan American Games, I made some jokes at the expense of the gold-medal winners. Specifically, I said they suck and probably smell like maple syrup. Tuesday, I followed up with a recap of Canada’s gold in women’s basketball, in which I called the country “the moose-humping failed state to the north.” Understandably, I got emails from angry Canadians.
Subject line: Bitter
From: C.S. D.
To: Samer Kalaf
Shittiest post I’ve ever read on Deadspin. Brutal.
Sent from my iPhone
Subject line: Re: The United States Lost at Baseball
From: NICK NICKOLAU
To: Samer Kalaf
And Americans wonder why they are considered arrogant, self-righteous dickheads. I’d tell you to go to Hell but seeing as you live in the U.S. you’re already there. What a bunch of crybaby hillbilly rednecks.
Subject line: lol
From: Conor Entwistle
To: Samer Kalaf
Hahaha hey bud, read ur lame article about canada beating the U.S. At baseball. Just wanted to write and tell u to go fuck yourself as well as let u know that we will take our gold medal with us. And with us it will stay, in Canada (the country to a stereotypical, ignorant, American idiot like you smells like maple syrup and sucks at everything). Ya it may smell like maple syrup but at least we are accepting, economically strong, and an internationally loved country. I’m not trying to say we are better than the U.S. but I’m just saying we are liked a lot more internationally and ya, pretty much better than u in a lot of ways.
Peace out you plug.
Sincerely,
Canada
(Winners of the baseball gold medal at the 2015 pan am games)
P.S. Isn’t ur national sport baseball? Wow sucks to be you dude. Are u rattled? Canada, a country that doesn’t even care about baseball beat you at your national game, haha sucks to suck bud.
From: Samer
To: Conor
Hey, when was the last time a Canadian team won the Stanley Cup? Please respond at your earliest convenience. Thanks.
Subject line: You lost, suck it up. Looks like we own the only good sport that your foul country invented. Better keep football out of Canada and the games or we’ll smoke you at that as well.
From: Scott Nicholls
To: Samer Kalaf
[no text]
Sent from my Sony Xperia™ smartphone
Subject line: Canada Beats US Like A Rented Mule
From: Shawn Osterlin
To: Samer Kalaf
Hockey, Baseball, and Basketball...Hey you still have synchronized swimming, you sore loser-assed MFer!!! [three tongue-sticking-out emoji]
There’s always room for Jell-O!!!
Subject line: Canada wins Gold
From: Doug Pickthall
To: Samer Kalaf
Why don’t you just go fuck yourself. Why not just be congratulatory. Your country is 10 times bigger than ours in population and yet you still didn’t win.
In closing.... Fuck you
Subject line: nive article about canada.
From: James LeNouail
To: Samer Kalaf
I would to see you say those words to my face. I live in LA. Let me know if you have the balls to meet up and disgrace my country like that. The real joke is on you man. We beat you in basketball and baseball? What a joke.
Subject line: Re canada
From: Bob Knapp
To: Samer Kalaf
Your a dick with your canada bashing ever been here fuck head might not let you into our country stupid american
Sent from my iPad
Subject line: Fuck you Canada
From: Gary Brown
To: Samer Kalaf
Hey Samer,
I never comment on Deadspin (too much time and too complicated for this feeble mind) but as a Canadian I have to tell you you are cracking me up with your thrash talk.
Having said this, as a true Canadian, I’m slightly embarrassed about beating the US at both baseball and basketball and almost feel like apologizing. True Canadians know our place vis-à-vis (hey,I speak French) the US and I suspect your baseball and basketball teams were probably fielding Division III rejects and we were playing our best.
At the end of the day who the fuck cares. The only sport that matters is hockey and we have your number in both sports.
Regards (with apologies),
Gary Brown
Montreal
Photo: Three Lions/Getty Images
Contact the author at [email protected].