Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.
* Indy 500 champion Dario Franchitti would like to take this opportunity to remind you that his life is slightly better than yours. Heck, his dogs' lives are probably better than yours. [Photo via AP]
* Urban Meyer has finally identified the health-related cause of his pseudo-non-retirement: Esophageal spasms. I defy you to make joke about that! [Fanhouse]
* The Braves continue to not be terrible, extending their lead in the NL East with another win over the phaltering Phillies. [Journal Constitution]
* Meanwhile, everyone got thrown out of the Rays-Jays game and the Rays still beat the Jays, but you doesn't have to call them Johnson. (That's for the old folks in the audience.) [ESPN]
* Nicklas Lidstrom will return to the Red Wings for his 19th season. Most of you haven't even watched 19 seasons worth of hockey. [Detroit News]
* Memphis coach Josh Pastner admits that he called recruits from the delivery room as his wife was giving birth to their first child. Sadly, while he was on the phone, his new daughter committed to Kentucky. [The Commercial Appeal, via Brooks]
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Welcome to Wednesday. Don't hurt yourself.