The Dallas Morning News has one of those quirky-training-regimen stories today that bloom annually during NFL training camp and which usually involve yoga or interpretive dance or whatever. This one, however, is about an unprintably named tire-flipping drill. I-Team, assemble!
First, here's how reporter Todd Archer describes the drill, apparently a favorite of Cowboys strength and conditioning coach Joe Juraszek:
So every other day during training camp the quarterbacks go through the rigorous four-circuit workout after practice. They flip the 300-pound tire one way, use a two-footed jump to get in and out, then flip it back. They do that eight times. They raise the 50-pound blue bag over their head eight times. They jump rope and hop on the soft black mat for 20 seconds. They do each turn four times before heading to the shower.
Fascinating. And this drill's name? Well, Todd would tell you, I'm sure, but Todd doesn't want to offend your delicate sensibilities.
The name of the drill cannot be mentioned in a family newspaper or on the Internet, but it has to do with, um, maturation.
The idiotic tendency of the media toward self-censorship has been well-documented elsewhere. This one in particular is a good example of how, in protecting readers from naughty language, a newspaper merely winds up inspiring even naughtier thoughts. "Um, maturation"? Is that a pun? Are we meant to think "masturbation"? Or is this really about puberty? Or, um, both? WHY IS THE DALLAS MORNING NEWS SPREADING FILTH ABOUT MASTURBATING PRE-TEEN COWBOYS?
We e-mailed Todd for some answers. First, we asked for the name of the drill. Todd's reply:
Sorry. Not gonna happen.
We pressed again. Todd demurred again.
[W]hy would I tell you something that was told to me by someone on the team? There's a trust level there that I won't break. Sorry.
Thwarted, we instead turned to the Cowboys themselves. We explained the situation to someone in the media relations department. "Hold on," we were told. A faint rustling could be heard, some muffled conversation. And then:
"We do not have the name of the drill."
Don't have or don't know?
"Don't know."
We asked another Cowboys reporter if the name was too hot for even the Internet. He e-mailed:
Not too hot for Internet. Just too hot for dallasnews.com. Tame by Deadspin standards.
We asked for the name. He replied:
It's Archer's story, so i'll leave it up to him. Trust me ... It's no big deal.
Oh, but it is. If anyone out there is familiar with a tire-flipping drill that may or may not have been named for the wanking habits of American pre-teens, please tell us. (Or perhaps you would like to suggest your own in the comments below.) The truth will out. And of those censorious types who would thwart us, we can say only this: They are all, um, jerkoffs.
Conditioning drills keep Dallas Cowboys QBs on their toes [Dallas Morning News]