Thank you for your continued support of Deadspin, assuming we still have it, which after today maybe we don't. Either way: Here is the final Tommy Craggs story.
Tommy's first apartment in NYC, he was feuding with his landlord over repairs, including, somehow, the burned-out light bulbs in his bathroom, which either had to be special-ordered, or required special tools to install, or both.
So Tommy's badgering the guy, who finally relents, and shows up at the apartment, pissed off, with only the new bulbs. They head into the bathroom, arguing all the while, at which point the landlord steps out for a second, for some reason, leaving the bulbs sitting there on the sink. Whereupon Tommy, thinking quickly, rubs the bulbs between his ass cheeks, puts them back on the counter, zips up, and is back to standing there casually when the landlord returns. The landlord installs the bulbs and leaves.
This is presented to me as a triumph: Tommy won. He had his vengeance on the landlord, and he cannot fathom that anyone could think otherwise. Maybe you disagree—maybe you have some questions, potentially some logical objections!—but then, that's the difference between you and Tommy Craggs. That and a few other things.
Have a nice weekend.