Last year, we relied on readers who traveled to Miami to play citizen paparazzi dogs for us. Those unlucky bastards trapped in Dallas this week should beware: We're doing it again, and this time we've singled out two media personalities.
Dogs, as you know, do smell fear. Here's a text message from one of our operatives soon after he landed in Dallas:
I have a feeling this year will see so many more YouTube videos, cellphone pics, and on-the-scene text-message recaps being funneled to so many more outlets — some of whom might be interested in throwing money at Super Bowl party crashers like this young man, who calls himself "J":
I took a video of big Ben partying last night in downtown fort worth. Would you be interested in it?
J
Of course, we'd be interested. But he wanted to put a price on it. This is tough to monetize without any visual evidence (he also said he was attempting to upload his cellphone Big Ben vid to YouTube but apologized because it's taking very long to process) so I couldn't give him one right away. But there is a price for it, maybe, I don't know. Remember, we've only actually paid for three items in the scuzz-money marketplace. One. Two. Three. Oh, and I guess we paid that young fella $1.38 for the photo of Jay Mariotti at the Super Bowl last year. So, fine, four.
Anyway, below is this year's tentative price guide to Super Bowl bounty. One omission from last year's list is "dong." Yes, we've all had our share of dong this year. We're all donged out. So the only "dong" we will pay for this year is one that is waggled in front of John Clayton's ponytail, which is always the purple unicorn we all so desperately want to believe is real. For now, here's a working list for those of you not already deputized in North Dallas this week and the financial reward you could receive from us if you produce the visual evidence:
MEDIA:
*ESPN, FOX, NBC TV/radio personality drinking alcohol: $1.53
*ESPN, FOX, NBC TV/radio personality dancing: $2.32
*ESPN, FOX, NBC TV/radio personality dancing with porn star/stripper: $156.78-$698.34
*ESPN, FOX, NBC TV/radio personality pooping: $288.43
*ESPN, FOX, NBC TV/radio personality groping young lady in club: $467.92-$765.45
*ESPN, FOX, NBC TV/radio personality passed out: $189.16-$498.67
*ESPN, FOX, NBC TV/radio personality riding a unicycle: $324.45-$702.12
*ESPN, FOX, NBC TV/radio personality juggling horse manure: $567.89-$1,212.18
BIG GAME HUNT:
*Arash Markazi's nipple: $3.67
*John Clayton's ponytail: MARKET PRICE
*Mark Schlereth pissing at urinal: $246.67
*Mark Schlereth pooping: $378.34
*Athlete or ex-athlete peeing on Mark Schlereth's leg: $5,235
*Peter King ordering or drinking coffee: $1.03
*Peter King sideboob: $37.13
*Steve Serby: $.12
*Chris Berman shirtless: $89.95
*Chris Berman pantless: $963.82
*Sweaty Chris Berman talking to young woman: $43.22
*Woman sucking Brian Baldinger's pinkie: $286.21
*Rick Reilly hammily choking someone: $4.32
*Mike Lupica: $8.32
*Mike Lupica berating someone: $28.42
*Rachel Nichols drunk: $78.32
ATHLETES:
*Packers/Steelers player drunk: $50
*Packers/Steelersr dancing with porn star/stripper: $156.78
*Roethlisberger drunk: $98
*Roethlisberger waiting in line for a bathroom with a young woman: $476.12
*Athlete with hand on female boob: $486.34
*Roethlisberger with hand on female boob: Call the police
*Athlete drunk: $54-$127
*Former athlete drunk: $27-$352
* Roger Staubach with girl on lap: $18.84
* Roger Staubach with two girls on lap: $37.68
* Roger Staubach pooping on Mark Schlereth's lap: $20,245
TV/MOVIE STAR
*Drunk: $.30 to $340
*Making out: $45
*Lesbian makeout: $65
*Lesbian makeout session in background while Roger Staubach poops on Mark Schlereth's lap: $456,789.95
WHITLOCK HUNT
*Jason Whitlock dancing: $2.32
*Jason Whitlock dancing with porn star/stripper: $12.32
*Jason Whitlock pooping: $288.43
*Jason Whitlock getting his Becky on: $467.92-$765.45
*Jason Whitlock getting his Becky on with a woman actually named Becky: $3,212
*Jason Whitlock DOIN THE DAMN THANG, whatever that thing is at the time: $23.12
INES SAINZ HUNT
* Ines Sainz in a revealing outfit: $-12
* Other media people leering at Ines Sainz: $50-$332.23
* Ines Sainz pooping: $42
* Ines Sainz dancing with Jason Whitlock: $288.92
And there is your mission, scoundrels. Please have your submissions to me before 5 p.m. Tuesday. Good luck. We're all counting on you.
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