We continue our year-by-year look back at the decade with the year 2007, back when Tommy Craggs was a woman, back when Jack Nicholson was tickling our hearts as The Joker in Tim Burton's Batman. Simple times.
JANUARY
AJ Daulerio and Sean Salisbury meet. David Beckham agrees to join the Los Angeles Galaxy. President Bush announces his plans for a surge in Iraq. "Quite Frankly With Stephen A. Smith" is canceled. Nick Saban decides to coach Alabama. Gen. Petraeus is named top commander in Iraq. Hillary Clinton announces she is running for President. Barbaro is put down.
FEBRUARY
Molly Ivins and Anna Nicole Smith die. A suicide bomber in Afghanistan tries to kill Vice President Cheney. John Amaechi comes out of the closet. Tim Hardaway does not approve. The Colts beat the Bears in the Super Bowl. Barack Obama announces his candidacy for President in Springfield, Illinois. Pac Man Jones introduces a generation of grateful white people to Make It Rain. The Departed wins Martin Scorsese his first Oscar. Astronaut Lisa Nowak drives across country in a diaper to confront a romantic rival. "The OC" goes off the air. "The Sarah Silverman Program" debuts. John McCain announces he's running for President.
MARCH
Tony LaRussa is arrested for DUI. French President Chirac retires. Scooter Libby is convicted. Peyton Manning rents himself out for a boy's Sweet 16 party. Bowie Kuhn and Larry "Bud" Melman die. Deadspin makes ESPN's "enemies list." Viacom decides to sue Google and YouTube. Joe Theismann is fired from "Monday Night Football." Khalid Sheikh Mohammed claims responsibility for the September 11 attacks. John Edwards announces he will continue his Presidential campaign despite a re-emergence of his wife's cancer.
APRIL
Florida beats Ohio State in the NCAA championship game. Seung Hui Cho kills 32 students on the campus of Virginia Tech. Don Imus calls the Rutgers women's basketball team "nappy-headed hos." Zach Johnson wins The Masters. Eddie Robinson, David Halberstam, Boris Yeltsin and Kurt Vonnegut die. Case is dropped against Duke lacrosse team.
MAY
Dogfighting allegations emerge against Falcons quarterback Michael Vick. Paris Hilton is sentenced to 45 days in jail. The French elect that Sarkozy fellow president. Jerry Falwell dies. Roger Clemens returns to the Yankees. Six Muslim men are arrested and charged with plotting to attack Fort Dix in New Jersey. The Golden State Warriors upset the Dallas Mavericks in the first round of the NBA playoffs. Alex Rodriguez is photographed outside a Toronto hotel with a woman who is not his wife.
JUNE
The final episode of "The Sopranos" confuses millions. President Bush vetoes a bill that would ease federal restrictions on stem cell research. The Anaheim Mighty Ducks win the Stanley Cup. Bob Barker retires from "The Price Is Right." Larry Craig is arrested for having a wide stance. Woody Paige is sued for sexual harassment. The iPhone is released. "Flight Of The Conchords" debuts. The Spurs beat the Cavaliers in the NBA Finals. Tiger Woods' wife Elin gives birth.
JULY
Minimum wage is increased for the first time in 10 years, to $5.85. Democratic candidates answer questions at a debate from YouTube. Joey Chestnut beats Kobayashi to win the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Championships. Michael Vick is indicted. Lady Bird Johnson, Tom Snyder, Michelangelo Antonioni, Bill Walsh and Ingmar Bergman die. The final Harry Potter book is released. Sochi, Russia is awarded the 2014 Winter Olympics. Rupert Murdoch wins approval to buy Dow Jones. The ESPN Memo, with its bike rack glory, is released into the wild.
AUGUST
Barry Bonds breaks Hank Aaron's home run record. The Big Ten Network launches. Jose Padilla is found guilty. Karl Rove and Alberto Gonzalez resign. Tiger Woods wins his 13th Major. Michael Vick pleads guilty to dogfighting. Rick Ankiel homers in his first MLB game as an outfielder. Tim Donaghy pleads guilty. The I-35 Mississippi River Bridge in Minnesota collapses. Merv Griffin, Phil Rizzuto and Richard Jewell die. The Texas Rangers score 30 runs on the Baltimore Orioles. Marques Slocum gets himself a fuck lion.
SEPTEMBER
Appalachian State upsets Michigan, but because it's on the Big Ten Network, no one sees it. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says there are no gay people in Iran. Steve Fossett goes missing. Fred Thompson joins the Presidential race. Barry Bonds plays his last game. The Patriots suffer through SpyGate. MoveOn.org takes out a full-page ad in The New York Times proclaiming "General Betray Us." Larry Craig resigns from the Senate. Pavarotti dies. The New York Daily News reveals that Rick Ankiel received HGH back in 2004. Drew Magary's Jamboroo debuts.
OCTOBER
Marion Jones admits she used stroids. Larry Craig changes his mind and announces he'll serve out his full term. Britney Spears loses custody of her children. The Red Sox beat the Rockies in the World Series. Isiah Thomas and the Knicks are found guilty of sexual harassment. 500,000 flee California wildfires. Robert Goulet dies.
NOVEMBER
The Writers Guild of America goes on strike. A hostage is taken at a Clinton campaign office in New Hampshire. Norman Mailer and Evel Knievel die. Barry Bonds is charged with perjury and obstruction of justice. Sean Taylor is murdered. Scott McClellan writes a book, kind of.
DECEMBER
Ike Turner loves you, baby, but he dies anyway. Vladimir Putin appoints Dmitri Medvedev his successor. Benazir Bhutto is killed in suicide attack in Pakistan. The Mitchell Report is released. The New England Patriots become the first team in 35 years to finish the regular season undefeated. Oprah endorses Obama.