Drew Magary's Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday during the NFL season. Email Drew here.
By now you know that Titans rookie QB/sacrificial lamb Zach Mettenberger tweeted out a few harmless selfies last week before his first career start against the Texans. Well, Texans All-Grit and three-Welkers-in-one J.J. Watt didn’t take too kindly to that kind of ME FIRST GLOREE BOY behavior, so he sacked Mettenberger on Sunday and then pantomimed taking a selfie, even though Watt himself has taken many selfies in the past, thus contradicting himselfie. Then he ranted on about the whole selfie shit after the game, just to son Mettenberger a little bit more…
God, he even threw in the full “National Football League” in there. All this selfie-on-selfie crime led to reader Jarret emailing this…
In light of JJ Watt's mocking of Zach Mettenberger for taking a selfie, I think it's time we take a moment to recognize Watt as a prick who embodies everything old media types like Gregg want the NFL to be. Namely, a boring tryhard who thinks taking literally 10 seconds to snap a selfie is some sort of dishonor to the game. Fuck JJ Watt. Everything he says sounds like it was written by the Wrangler Jeans PR team.
Jarret is right. Fuck J.J. Watt. A selfie is not a war crime. Thanks to Selfies At Funerals and Seflies at Serious Places and ABC’s sitcom named Selfie and #BRANDS like McDonald’s deploying the term as some kind of massive dragnet for today’s cool hipster youth, self-photography has been demonized to a completely insane degree. Saying the word "selfie" or taking one is like sending up an Albomsignal now, a distress call to the old fogies of America to gather and collectively wring their hands over the self-involvement of today’s youth.
But that’s all garbage. I’m 38 and I’ve taken selfies. Ever taken a picture of a breathtaking view that doesn’t have an actual person in it? It’s a worthless photograph. You’re not Ansel Adams. A casual photo usually needs a person in it to justify its existence. There needs to be a human being in the photo so that a) You can prove you went there, and b) Your mom can be like, “Oh, look at that!” The advent of the selfie also means you can take a photo of yourself on vacation or in some other joint without asking some poor fellow tourist to take the picture for you, which is good because they always fuck it up.
The fact that some people overindulge in the practice (my oldest kid) is not some greater indicator of societal rot. This is obvious smarm, but you know what’s a better indicator of societal rot? War and poverty and all that horrible shit. J.J. Watt probably jacked off to the idea of bombing Syria before turning around and protecting The Shield from the horrors of Zach Mettenberger showing off his new haircut.
Football is a sporting culture that abhors deviant behavior and takes great pains to re-educate or cast out anyone who does ANYTHING outside of studying tape and saying bland shit at press conferences and expressing super positive body language at all times. When Mettenberger got dumped on for taking a stupid selfie, the implication was obvious: Peyton doesn’t take selfies, Tom Brady doesn’t take selfies … WINNERS DO NOT TAKE SELFIES. Anyone who has won shit before becomes the cast iron model for how everyone is supposed to act thereafter. New wrinkles on the cultural landscape (SELFIES OMG) are untested and unproven and therefore evil. And God forbid you do something that is not explicitly team-oriented or football-oriented, like posting a fucking picture on the internet.
This is all your standard old fogey pearl-clutching… people complaining about new things they instinctively hate because they’ve only seen the worst of it. People have been self-involved dickheads since the beginning of time. The fact that there’s more photographic proof of it doesn’t mean much of anything. Zach Mettenberger lost on Sunday. And I promise you: if his career ends up being lackluster, it will be because he sucks, and not because he knows his way around an Instagram feed. But I’m glad the Titans have their priorities in order …
The Games
All games in the Jamboroo are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms.
Five Throwgasms
Broncos at Patriots: Unfortunately, you won’t be able to see this game because Jim Nantz and Phil Simms will be pooling their ejaculate and flooding the camera lens with it. It’s a real shame, because I think it could have been somewhat entertaining.
By the way, I bet NBC, ESPN, and CBS bitch each other out every year about who gets to air the Manning/Brady Bowl. “But CBS protected it two years in a row IT’S NOT FAIR!!!”
Ravens at Steelers: The College Football Playoff committee released its rankings this week and people are already complaining. Here’s my question: Why do you need to release these rankings at all? Ever? The basketball tournament people don’t do this. They huddle in a room as the season is ending, then they hand out the brackets and say TOUGH TITTIES if you don’t like it. Then people complain for a few days because the sixth-best team in the A-10 didn’t get in, and then the tourney starts and no one gives a shit.
Now THAT is how you run a phony-amateur moneymaking scheme that is accountable to no one. They shouldn’t issue these rankings. They should wait for the regular season to end, gather around one time and one time only, pick the four playoff teams and throw together some bowl matchups, and then fucking leave. Why they would ever give people an excuse to complain for two additional months is beyond me. If I were Condi Rice, I’d be livid about having to make a show of this every week.
Four Throwgasms
Cardinals at Cowboys: If you’re looking for a book to read (why are you reading books when you should be watching football EGGHEAD LIKES HIS BOOKY BOOK), I strongly recommend Max Barry’s Lexicon, which is fun and fast and good and is not 400 pages of yet another fucking novelist trying to win a Pulitzer. I only read novels if they include sex or wizards, although preferably not both.
Three Throwgasms
Colts at Giants: I watched former Giant David Diehl (Yes, TMQ MVP David Diehl!) call a game last week, and Diehl wears one of his Super Bowl rings on his index finger. Is that where you’re supposed to wear a Super Bowl ring? Super Bowl rings are ugly and gaudy and you shouldn’t actually wear them ever, but if you’re gonna wear one … You gotta go ring finger, right? Jimmy Johnson rocks his on a ring finger. Maybe Diehl’s other fingers have been mutilated and immobilized from his playing career. I bet there’s a former player out there who rocks it on his pinky and thinks it looks BAWSE.
Saints at Panthers: My wife has a few copies of People and US lying around the house which I will gladly consume while sitting on the can. And the best thing about People is whenever they show pictures of the royal family out slumming it with the peasantry of the world:
This is actually your job when you’re a royal: to go around the world on an informal anthropological survey and meet people you have NO ability to actually help. The royals always look like aliens beaming in from another planet in these photos. "And what is this gray substance you human children are playing with? Clay, you call it? How marvelous! It’s amazing what earthling children will play with when there are no diamond ball pits around!" And then they go back to their penthouse suite and fuck on a bed of caviar.
Chargers at Dolphins: Where does CBS keep Mike Carey during game broadcasts and why is he shouting? It sounds like they trapped him in a cell and he’s desperately trying to call for help. THE REPLAY DEFINITELY SHOWS IT WAS FUMBLE NOW PLEASE LET ME OUT SO I CAN SEE MY FAMILY. He sounds like me trying to talk after walking out of a rock concert.
Eagles at Texans: Here is the NFL’s NO MORE ad, featuring a bunch of former and active players speaking out against domestic violence…
This is all very well and good, but I feel like you could probably lead off this ad with a more authoritative voice than Eli Manning. Any Eli Manning lecture is usually followed by dismissive wanking and people being like LOL OKAY ELI WHY DON’T YOU GO PLAY WITH THIS EXERSAUCER. Anyway, this ad seems like a nice effort until you remember that it was painstakingly crafted by a copywriter and then rushed into existence after the NFL buttfumbled their whole initial response to domestic violence incidents. This is probably the last group of people who should be on a soapbox about this shit right now. I bet LaVar Arrington needed a hundred takes to nail his part.
Two Throwgasms
Rams at Niners: One more ad thing: there’s this big new McDonald’s ad where they ask people (via mystery box!) to ask them any questions they have about what’s in the fucked-up food at McDonald’s. I guess this counts as bold, truthful advertising, but again: The last people I trust to tell me what’s in the food at McDonald’s are the people who work for McDonald’s. Nothing they say will convince me this burger wasn’t made with dead lady parts.
Also, the new Mickey D’s slogan is "Lovin' Beats Hatin'". For real. I will let Eater explain:
It is part of a new advertising campaign which "which aims to spread happiness in the face of Internet hate."
“Here’s your donkey burger. Now let’s all make peace with the gamergaters.” McDonald’s is run by some seriously bizarre people.
One Throwgasm
Raiders at Seahawks: These Seahawks stand as living proof that “mystique” is a horseshit concept when it comes to sports teams. After Week 1, I thought this team was gonna go 16-0 and win every playoff game by 30 points. Now they can barely beat Carolina and every useful skill position player is getting monkey shit thrown at him by anonymous co-workers. The idea of "mystique" is simply a fan-built exercise in psyching yourself out. Actual opposing football teams don’t seem quite as cowed. Denver has "mystique" now, and the Pats will probably beat them by a couple touchdowns and we’ll have to give it to them for a bit before someone else gets a turn.
By the way, I’ve goofed on Russell Wilson before, but I dunno what it is about playing quarterback that automatically makes you a living referendum on blackness in America today. Donovan McNabb had to deal with this shit. RG III had to deal with it. And now Wilson has to deal with it. None of these men brought this lunacy upon themselves. It eventually broke McNabb’s brain and is in the process of doing likewise to RG III. It shouldn’t happen to Wilson. These guys are being abducted and thrown onto a train to Stupidtown all for nothing. How the fuck do you even measure blackness or whiteness? Do you have to line up Wilson against a pantone chart to make sure? Let people be people, man. That’s the whole fucking point.
Jaguars at Bengals: It doesn’t happen a lot, but one of my favorite plays in football is when the offense runs a screen pass, and the defensive lineman falls for it, and then realizes it, and then says FUCK IT and rushes the passer anyway and still gets to him. I’d like a supercut of that play.
Bucs at Browns: Those NBC ads for Katherine Heigl’s new show are pretty damn serious for a Katherine Heigl show. It’s like, “She’s not here to fuck around. The lady from ONE FOR THE MONEY is coming to NBC to cut your nuts off.” That is not a person who screams authoritative. Dan Snyder Tells Trick Or Treaters To Go Fuck Themselves at Vikings: RG3 is back! For a half, probably!
Jets at Chiefs: Tomorrow is Halloween, so if you’ve got a GREAT MOMENT IN HALLOWEEN COSTUME FAILURE, send it in. We’ll throw a post together with your finest entries: stories, pictures, poorly conceived Ebola costumes, etc.
Pregame Song That Makes Me Want To Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall
“Out of the Black,” by Royal Blood. From Chris:
Not only is it solid, rhythm-driven hard rock in the QOTSA style, but there's no way you'd know these guys were British if I hadn't just told you!
Whoa hey, cheap shot at Britain, you heartless bastard. The limeys have always made some damn fine music. If I had to pick between all American rock ever made and all British rock ever made, the UK would have a STRONGASS case. Anyway, bonus points to Royal Blood for a video that has lots of scratchy stuff on the film. You can make any rock video 80% grittier by adding olde tymey film scratches.
Suicide Pick Of The Week
Last week’s picks of the Miami, Cleveland, and Dallas went 2-1, making me 16-9 for the year, which is god awful. Time again to pick three teams for your suicide pool and one thing that makes you want to commit suicide. This week’s picks are Kansas City, Cincinnati, Cleveland (I’m a glutton for failure), and buying ice. There is no part of the buying ice process that does not suck. Ice bags are heavy. And wet. And they puncture if you simply lay hands on them. Why am I even paying for ice? I have ice at home, just not enough of it. GOD DAMN YOU, BIG ICE.
Gregg Easterbrook Is A Haughty Dipshit
Sure, the college football rankings came out this week, but are you ready for Greggggg’s REAL rankings, which factor in character and humility and a distinct lack of first round talent? I am! Greggggggg finally compiled his virtue rankings, and you’re not gonna believe it, but Notre Dame is #1, followed closely by Mount Union, with Starfleet Academy and the Brookings Institution rounding out the playoff field. Gregggggg also complained about After Earth this week, which is timely! But here is the worst thing he wrote. Chortling was involved…
The Football Gods Chortled: Jets quarterback Michael Vick was flagged for taunting — with the Jets trailing 21-7. One does not thump one's chest whilst losing! The football gods punished Vick by causing him to lose a fumble two snaps later.
"Whilst." Christ, what an asshole. Pretty sure it was the Bills that caused Vick to fumble and not the fucking MAGIC FOOTBALL FAIRIES that exacted vengeance on him for daring to taunt people. And why do the Gods chortle so heartily at failure? Know they nothing of forgiveness WHILST thou suffers?
Emmitt Smith's Lock Of The Week!
"This week, I like the Raiders (+15) to go into Saddle and make it a close conquest with the SeaSox! I don’t like all this infernal ripcord going on with Saddle. They don’t have any dentistry in that locker room right now, and dentistry is so important to team chorale! And all this conjunctive about Russell Wilson being a 'Corndog brother'? HE’S NO CORNDOG BROTHER. I don’t even like the turd CORNDOG. It’s pensive to me.
"I also like the Patriots (+3) at home against the Brawn Coast! I love Peyton Madden, but I can’t go against Tom Brady at home! YOU BET AGAINST TOM BRADY AT YOUR OWN PEARL!"
2014 Emmitt Smith record: 4-5
This Week In Terrifying Animal News
Did you know that camels are psychopaths who will kill you over a can of Coke? One man in Mexico found out the hard way:
"The camel kicked and bit him practically to death, and when he was almost dead, he sat on him. Between the blows and the weight of the camel on top of him, he was asphyxiated."
Jesus Christ, camel. What the fuck? I wonder if camels are naturally this aggressive, or if the sugar in Coke (mind you, this was likely Mexican Coke, which is even tastier because it has real sugar in it) turned that camel into a sucrose-thirsty killing machine. They usually seem so cool about being deprived of fluids.
Fantasy Player Who Deserves to Die A Slow, Painful Death
Reader David offers two candidates:
Fuck Zac Stacy and Doug Martin. Two highly touted running backs going into the season, losing their jobs to just plain ineptitude halfway through the year. They didn't need to be great, just efficient! Anyway, thanks to their colossal failures at football, I'm down to Bishop Sankey and the tattered remains of Chris Johnson. Fuck them till the end of time.
True story: I was late to my Yahoo draft this year and Yahoo auto-picked Demaryius Thomas with my first rounder, which is probably the best pick I made in any fantasy draft this year. If I had been there for the draft, I probably would have taken a running back, which would have been a bad idea because all running backs can go to hell. I’ll never trust any running back again. They’re all terrible people.
Fire This Asshole!
Is there anything more exciting than a coach losing his job? All year long, we'll keep track of which coaches will almost certainly get fired at year's end or sooner. And now, your potential 2014 chopping block:
Rex Ryan*
Jeff Fisher
Marc Trestman
Marvin Lewis
Mike Tomlin
Mike Smith
Ron Rivera
Lovie Smith
Dennis Allen-FIRED!!
Roger Goodell
Gus Bradley
(*potential midseason firing)
Nothing good will come from firing Rex Ryan—Marty Mornhinweg is somehow the most qualified person to replace him on the staff—and yet the Jets almost have to do it. I mean, look at the blocking on this return. And that’s with half a season still to go! By Week 17, the Jets will be playing paper football on a literal football field. In postgame interviews, Rex sounds like a man who has an inoperable brain tumor. They should probably put him out of his misery. I hate seeing him like this.
Great Moments In Poop History
Reader Bob sends in this story I call THE POOPS OF OTHERS:
After a week of traveling around Italy with a couple of friends, we were on our way back from Milan and had to catch a connecting flight through the Frankfurt Airport in Germany. Unfortunately for the last few days of the trip I had been floored by a horrible fever/cold which was wreaking havoc on my body.
Sweating profusely as I waited for our plane to arrive, I suddenly realized that the bathroom was calling my name and I hurriedly ran to a restroom which was set in the gate itself. I figured I was able to take my time, as our flight wasn't scheduled to leave for another 45 minutes.
It was an odd, one room bathroom at the end of a long hallway at one far side of the gate. Looking back, it might have been an employee bathroom or something, but I was in no condition to look for anything else so I had no choice.
About 10 minutes in, someone starts frantically knocking on the door. I say that the restroom is occupied, and I hear someone say something in German but I obviously don't understand it so I just try and forget it. After about 15 seconds, another knock comes this time, louder and more urgent, and I again say someone is in the restroom and AGAIN a German voice says something that I can't understand.
Finally, about two minutes later another knock comes on the door and I hear someone in heavily accented English say, "We need you to come out of the bathroom NOW." Wondering what I had done, I hurriedly finish up an open the door.
On the other side is a German soldier holding a massive automatic rifle, looking pissed as hell, and one of the employees of Lufthansa looking me up and down. He asked me what I was doing in the restroom and why I didn't clear the gate.
Apparently, while I was in the bathroom, the airport had made an announcement that the entire gate had to be cleared before the plane could pull up to the terminal due to security reasons. I hadn't heard it, so I was taking a massive international dump as German security officers thought I was a terrorist or something.
The security officer and the flight attendant escorted me back to the gate, WHERE THE ENTIRE CROWD OF PEOPLE that had been waiting for the plane were now standing outside of, staring at the jackass who didn't hear the PA announcement. My friends couldn't even look at me.
I think I’d rather find a spider in the toilet than have my poop interrupted by Germans shouting in German. That sounds nightmarish. SCHNELL!
Gametime Halloween Candy Of The Week
The Take 5 bar, which is under-utitized as a trick or treat basket item. Every year, my kids overload on M&M’s and Snickers and Kit Kats and Reese’s and Smarties and Jolly Ranchers and what not. And while I got no problem at all with a surplus of Reese’s cups, we need some more diversity here. The Take 5 has chocolate and peanut butter and pretzel and caramel. It’s a fucking garbage disposal in candy form. I love it. More houses need it in the rotation, along with Butterfinger Crisps and Mounds and 100 Grand bars and PayDay and very small Toblerones. Also, I don’t think Skor and Whatchmacallit come in fun sizes, which is crap. I would shit my pants if I found Whatchamacallit in a Halloween bag.
Gametime Cheap Beer Of The Week
TUNDRA ICE! Oh… my… goodness. From Tony:
I own a liquor store in a small town, so I could probably populate your column with cheap, terrible beers for the next year or two. But for my first submission, Tundra Ice has to take a bow. Look at that rich green can, the fake laces, the font used for Ice. Nothing screams "I live in a van" quite like Tundra Ice. The beer itself has a tinge somewhat similar to the gaudy gold on the can. Distinct notes of pine and antifreeze make this beer pair well with shoe leather and old tires. 6.2% makes it one of the weaker entries you've had, but its dual purpose as a brass-polisher more than makes up for that. L'Chaim!
That is an amazing find. Why are the laces so fucked up? Is that so I actually mistake the can for a real football? And I love the STRONG BEER promise on the bottom. That’s no bullshit. Tundra Ice is strong and it will kill you, and I bet Packers fans would buy in en masse just for the name alone. Dummies. I MUST HAVE IT.
Robert Evans's MVP Watch!
Time to start thinking about this season's candidates for the NFL's MVP award. Every week, legendary Hollywood producer Robert Evans will join us to give us his assessment. Take it away, Mr. Evans.
"Baby, my favorite for MVP is Peyton Manning of the Broncos! And a Happy Halloween to you all! Sexy? YOU BET! Mysterious? I’M NOT TELLING. It should be another fabulous Halloween here at Woodland. Like every year, my treat to the children is an autographed head shot of The Kid and a three-hour audio tour of my prized banyan tree in the courtyard. I keep Nicholson over in the ‘fuck tent’ so that he doesn’t scare the boys and girls away. One year, he did too much acid and thought he was an actual werewolf. He glued hair all over his body and started biting the hookers and spitting out fingertips at the kids. THE MAN COMMITS TO HIS ROLES. So I built him that tent after paying the cops off. Gave the cops AND the kids AND the mutilated victims a tour, too! Everyone wins!"
Sunday Afternoon Movie Of The Week For Raiders Fans
Zombie Strippers. This movie stars Jenna Jameson and Robert Englund, which is really all you need to know about its quality-level. This was on IFC last week, which means that IFC may be slowly transitioning into a free softcore porn channel, which is good news for humanity in general. I just wish they would cut to the chase and throw on some Emmanuelle movies instead of dreck like this. Porn and horror are an awful mix. I can’t enjoy my nudity if I know a severed head is coming around the corner. I hate it when porn tries to be real movies.
Gratuitous Simpsons Quote
"Hello, Simpson. I'm riding the bus today because Mother hid my car keys to punish me for talking to a woman on the phone. She was right to do it."
Enjoy the games, everyone.
Drew Magary writes for Deadspin. He's also a correspondent for GQ. Follow him on Twitter @drewmagary and email him at [email protected]. You can also buy Drew's book, Someone Could Get Hurt, through his homepage.
Art by Sam Woolley