Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.
• An 8-8 team mulled things over and decided to underpay the NFL's best defensive player by a little less.
• Caroline Wozniacki ousts Maria Sharapova from the U.S. Open, and now we must all discuss the length of her dress.
• The Russians will face Team USA tomorrow after routing the Tall Blacks at the FIBA World Championship. I'm sad to report that this means the delightfully shaped Pero Cameron is now out of our lives.
• Wayne Rooney's escort reportedly plowed her way through 13 players in the Premiership — six defenders, three midfielders, and four strikers — hereafter known as the Jennifer Thompson XIII.
• Our spring break correspondent, Pat Jordan, profiles William Shatner:
At 3 in the afternoon, we slid into a booth at Tony Roma's restaurant in Lexington. I told Shatner I was exhausted from chasing him all over in the rain. "I was just trying to torment you," he said. The waiter appeared. I said I wanted a salad for an appetizer, and Shatner interrupted: "No! He'll have the ribs appetizer." I said I didn't want the ribs. "You're having the ribs," he said. "They're delicious." Liz said, "But honey, he doesn't want the ribs." Shatner said: "He's. Having. The. Ribs." Then, sharply, he added: "This is the man's table. Go sit over there at the woman's table."
• The above photo comes courtesy the lads at 30fps, as always, and depicts Navy coach Ken Niumatalolo baring his teeth largely because this sort of thing was happening to his team all day long:
• Worth a read: Jene Bramel's guide to NFL defenses.
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Good morning.