Here on the first college football Saturday of 2008, we've already seen the likes of Michigan, Virginia Tech, and Pittsburgh endure losses right out of the gate. And yet one more Top 25 team is guaranteed to wake up on Sunday morning with an 0-1 record. Will it be Clemson, led by the down-home Tommy Bowden, looking to boost the national profile of his program and his conference? Will it be Alabama, led by the dapper Nick Saban, looking to return a storied program to a BCS bowl? We'll find out...tonight! ——- 0:00 - Game over. Live Blog over. Final score: Bama 34, Clemson 10. Thanks for hanging out. See you tomorrow. 0:39 - Harper throws incomplete and THEY ACTUALLY THROW A FLAG FOR PASS INTERFERENCE. The only ones wanting this game to continue are the refs. And Brent Musberger. How about some stats? Wilson was 22 of 30 for 182 yards, 2 TDs and no picks. Conversely, Davis and Spillier combined for 7 rushes...and 17 yards. 1:40 - 4th and 3 for Clemson. Whitey converts on the screen and the clock keeps running. I need a shower. 1:46 - Harper avoids the sack and throws it away, stopping the clock. Sad crowd shots. Haha, they spent money to be there! 2:48 - Spiller runs for the first down. Hey, why didn't they do that earlier? 3:27 - Harper finds Whitey, and thank the Lord, it's complete, and the clock starts running again. Would you believe I took SMU + 4 on Thursday? 3:39 - Bama kicks off and Clemson's about ready to WAIT A SECOND ANOTHER FUCKING COMMERCIAL?? 4:08 - It's 4th and goal for Bama, and they'll settle for the 24-point lead here. The 24-yarder is good. 34-10, Bama. Commercial. 6:21 - Bama still driving, well within field goal range now. Tick, tick, tick. Bama has a huge edge in plays run today, 78-37. Amazing disparity for two teams supposedly even heading into today's game. 9:50 - Bama converts 3rd and 1 up the middle. If Clemson stays in the Top 25 next week, we should assassinate every sportswriter in America. It's obvious that Bowden can't do anything but make chicken shit out of chicken salad. 12:00 - Bama takes over and their tailback falls forward for 3 yards. Wilson is still in the game and INGRAM busts one up the sideline for 28 yards. Clemson has all but given up. Kinda like me. Mizzou is doing their part, putting a beatdown on the Zookers. It's 45-20, and it's still in the 3rd. 12:33 - 4th and 11 - Harper's pass COMPLETE but oh fuck it's short of the first down marker. Clemson takes over. Some fan tries to signal "first down" and fails. Commercial. If you're still reading at this point, you may want to leave now and beat the traffic. 13:20 - ANOTHER SCREEN to Kelly. This one gets positive yards, but it's still 3rd and long. Harper goes for six on 3rd down, but the throw is high and it's 4th down. They have to go for it here. And they need 11 yards. 14:00 - Harper throws the Clemson Screen to Aaron Kelly. It's a Clemson Screen because it's good for a 2-yard loss. 15:00 - Clemson gets what looks like a first down, but the receiver's called out of bounds. Davis picks up the first on 2nd down. And the clock ticketh away... ——- 0:00 - Hang on, we're not finished here yet. Harper nails Spiller downfield for some 20 yards. THAT'S THE QUARTER. Still 31-10, Bama. 0:00 - Davis makes a nice gain on a dumpoff pass, but that's coming back. Clemson can't seem to get anything right tonight. Clemson will get one more untimed play, which is nearly a Bama interception. Like I said. End of the 3rd quarter. Bama still rolling, 31-10. 0:12 - Bama with a short run and an incomplete find themselves in another third down. This is where they've buttered their bread all night. But a screen to Ingram doesn't pan out, and Clemson will score a rare three-and-out. Fair catch on the Clemson 33. 1:51 - Clemson punts, Bama fair catches on the ERIN ANDREWS! Oh, sell me some grooming products, Erin! Harper takes a sack. The short-haired pointer in my living room just killed a bug. You tell me which is more interesting. Clemson gives it to Davis on 2nd down and there's just nowhere to go. Saban is beating Clemson with a parade of underclassmen, and one has to wonder how down the ACC would have to be for Clemson to compete in that league in 2008. Musberger and Herbie look like they're behind a green screen. Are they even at this game. And they kick it off again for some reason. Eh, whatever. Harper is on the money for a quick first down. And apparently Saban was in some magazine. Was it GQ, by chance? That was a 14-play drive by Alabama. Clemson is being utterly dismantled. Aaron Kelly takes the kickoff for Clemson and kamakazies into the wedge around the 25. Clemson is three scores behind, and they don't seem to be playing with any more fire than when the score was even. 4:16 - This will be 3rd and 3 and Julio Jones is ALL ALONE IN THE END ZONE yeah that's a touchdown. It's the first of Jones' career, and he's earned it tonight. 4 balls for 28 yards, and that TD. But then Bama goes for two and CONVERTS AW FUCK ME THAT'S GOTTA HURT. It's 31-10, Bama. Maybe I can bust out a load of laundry tonight. 3rd and 2 - Pitch and catch to Ingram for another first. Bama is just making it look too easy. It's one thing if you're a team like Michigan and you drop a close game to start the season. It's quite another to get your ass blown out in prime time and go right back to Square One on Sunday morning. Coach Bowden will have some work to do next week. 6:25 - Ingram nearly converts a first down on the draw. How come that play never works in NCAA FOOTBALL 2007? And now Bama has a player down. It's Andre Smith, their left tackle. That's not good. He'll limp off under his own power. 7:55 - Another 3rd and long for Bama. Wilson throws out of the 4-wide set and finds Walker smoking a cigarette right next to the chains. It's a 15-yard gain, and ANOTHER Bama first down. They cannot be stopped. And now Ingram carries a cadre of Clemson bodies for another 5 yards. And the clock ticketh away... After further review, play stands. And Coffee needs all of two runs to get another Bama first down. Clemson's defense can't get off the field, and all Bama has had to do is grind it out on the ground to be successful tonight. Julio Jones catches an 8-yard gainer to convert for Bama. Or did he? The replays look a little...yeah, they're gonna review it. Either way, this true frosh has been a big contributor today. Clemson is officially challenging the play. Bama ball and they are loving the spread set, but their bubble screen is blown up at the line of scrimmage for no gain. And then it's Coffee off tackle for about 5. Clemson faces another 3rd and long, and this a good chance to get themselves off the field. 10:41 - Clemson throws to the white guy and they're short of the first. Again. Bama runs the punt back to their own 47. Commercial. Clemson has to move the ball if they want to get back into this fucker. 12:32 - 1st and 10, Clemson, at their own 26. No gain. Incomplete. And AAAAHHH I'M BEING PELTED WITH RANDOM HIGHLIGHTS! I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO VOTE FOR!! 3rd and 6 - Wilson is long with the home run ball and Bama has to punt. Spiller returns for a decent amount of yardage. Commercial. It's Clemson's ball and suddenly they trail by only two scores. 13:14 - Coffee again for 4, and it's 2nd and 6 from midfield. Wilson stays in the spread, he pumps, and throws incomplete to Julio Jones. And another third and long for Bama. Wilson and frineds take over and it takes them all of two plays to get back to midfield. Coffee takes it up some 20 yards to the Bama 46. It's another Bama first down. And now Clemson will kick off and Julio Jones runs into a pile at the 25. Erin Andrews is wearing a vest! Excuse me while I whip this out... C. J. Spiller takes the 2nd half kickoff and HE'S GONNA GET THROUGH THE LINE HOLY SHIT 96 yards to the house! Wow, they couldn't have timed that any better. Extra point is good. 23-10, and Clemson hasn't checked out just yet. Mizzou is leading, 31-13. So never mind. We're back for the second half, and man, that first half feels like it should count as a loss for Clemson by itself. Let's start this bad boy back up, and then yearn for a live blog of the Mizzou - Illinois game. ——- HALF: Bowden says Alabama is "playing a lot harder than we are." Well...at least he's aware. Nope, Wilson looks underneath for Parker, who can't bring it in inbounds, and here comes another field goal. Good from 34 yards and there's your first half. 23-3, Bama leads at the half. Wilson out of the spread finds Upchurch again in the middle for another first. Wilson then hits Parker who gets out of bounds with :07 left. We have to think Sabin's going for the jugular here. :22 - Upchurch converts another first and Bama calls timeout. Herbie says "Clemson being Clemson." It's out of context, but he still said it. 1:16 - Wilson will just run down the clock here and WAIT A COTTON PICKIN MINUTE Walker makes the catch on a sideline route for another first. This Bama offense can't even stop itself. Bama connects for ANOTHER FIRST DOWN,and then RUNS FOR ANOTHER to get inside the 35. Bama is set to score again. Call off the dogs, this hunt is over. Harper's throw is deflected and IT'S PICKED OFF by Alabama. What time does the bar close again? Do you care about Mississippi State? They're losing to Louisiana Tech. Harper with another shit-eating screen for a first down. Can I get anything in a vertical route, please? Oh, there's a throw over the middle and it's too high, and Ford is molested in midair. AND HE'S DOWN. Tommy Bowden says the players "need to feel a sense of urgency" if they're going to win the ACC. Which is code for "Nine and four is good enough for this program and I'm happy to just do well enough to keep my job." Ass. Harper manages to scrape out a first down on a slant to the white guy and OH COME ON another Clemson player is down. Here's a storyline for you: Clemson gets raped in Atlanta. They should be playing Dueling Banjos on the way out to commercials. Fun bit of trivia: John Heisman, the coach for which the Heisman Trophy is named, used to coach at Clemson from 1900-1903. How many Heisman Trophy winners came out of Clemson? ZERO. Clemson gets a stop, deflecting a Wilson pass. And the Clemson band hurriedly plays Tiger Rag while they can muster the joy AND THE FIELD GOAL IS NO GOOD. Turn down that oven, Grandma! This bird ain't dead yet! Bama takes over inside the Clemson 40. Ingram runs for no gain. Clemson looks "dejected," we're told. "We've got to execute." There's a short pass for 5 yards, and Clemson faces another third down. Gut check time, fellas. Mizzou 10, Illinois 6. Just so ya know. Harper shoots the ball out of his ass to avoid the technicality of the sack, but who gives a shit; Clemson has to punt. Zimmerman nets less than 30 yards on the punt, and Bama looks poised to score (yawn) yet again. Personal Foul on Clemson. For...ineptitude? It's half the distance for 1st and 22. Davis drops the screen, and it's second down. This is the Clemson football I know and loathe. We didn't invent the chicken, just the ass-whipping that Clemson is getting laid upon itself right now. 1st and 10 on Clemson's 26. Davis runs into the line and there's another flag. I wonder who this is on? 6:01 - Clemson runs back the kickoff. Commercial. Well, that was fun. Wilson's line so far: 9 for 11, 85 yards, 1 TD, no picks. He's looked flawless so far, and his dismantling of this overrated Clemson defense has been nonetheless incredibly impressive. Musberger is crying about how fundamentally unsound something something. Shut up, Muss. Extra point is good. 20-3, Bama. Ruling on the field stands. Well, thanks anyway for the breather. First and goal, Bama. And Nick Walker is WFO in the end zone for six. Touchdown, Alabama. Holy shit, this game is so over. Wait. They're reviewing the spot. Whatever. Just give Bama the seven points already. JOHN PARKER WILSON WITH NO REGARD FOR HUMAN LIFE runs for the first down...and gets screwed on the spot. They'll measure, and the point is moot. First and goal, Bama. First and 10 on the Clemson 14. The Tigers manage to stuff a gap-left run, but it might be too little too late. On 2nd and 7, Wilson finds Walker, this time in the flat for 5 yards. And now Nick Walker, the senior, catches a play-action ball 20 yards for another Bama first down. Ingram runs left for six, and then back up the middle for ANOTHER first. That was Ingram's fifth rush on the drive. 10:28 - Coffee again on the run for 4 yards. And now Ingram for another 4. Bama could do this all night, and it looks like they probably will. 10:45 - Incomplete and ANOTHER PI flag on Clemson. This, kids, is an implosion. Another 3rd down for the Tide. Incomplete pass, but there's a flag and...yep, it's against Clemson. This team is so horribly coached, you could set your watch to the barrage of flags. First down, Bama. 12:10 - Bowers flushes Wilson out of the pocket, but can't take him down behind the line. Wilson throws for a first down. Eh. Short pass and a short run and Clemson manages to force a third down. If the Tigers can get their D off the field here, they can get back into this game. Julio Jones tries to get fancy on the kickoff return for Bama, but gets blown up at the 16. And JP-Dub and the Gang retake the field. BIG 3rd down and long for Clemson. And they throw it underneath to the white guy for a shorter field goal attempt. For a second, I thought Clemson would actually have a shot at six, but then I remembered that...it was actually Clemson. Field goal is good. 13-3 Bama, and Clemson is on the board. ——- 1st and 10 Tigers on the Bama 12. Spiller gets taken down up the middle for no gain. And OH FUCK Deaderick just sacked Harper for an 11-yard loss. It's the end of the first and Clemson seems unable to wiggle off the chopping block. 13-0 Bama. Tigers Whitey Grisham goes right on the sweep for 3. Now here's some exotic motion, and Spiller takes a handoff from Davis, and Spiller scampers for the first. 2:12 - Jacoby Ford takes a direct snap for no gain. But on 2nd down he makes a catch on a slant route and tears upfield for some 40+ yards. The worm might consider turning here. Spiller takes the kickoff for Clemson and trips over the 25-yard line. Whoops.And now Clemson gets flagged for 12 men in the huddle. Yeah, Bowden may not be happy, but he apparently hasn't prepared his team for shit. I bought Clemson season tickets with the hopes of reselling them later this year. I guess I can forget about that now. Extra point is good. 13-0 Bama. Still the first quarter. Timeout Bama. Herbie says Sabin runs "a tough camp." Conversely, Bowden probably just has a weenie roast three times a week. A voluntary weenie roast. Coffee up the middle, and then Wilson keeps it and falls over the goal line. The Tide, they be rollin'. 3:22 - Those dives that were going for 3 or 4 yards are now going for 8 or 9 now. Coffee takes another one up the gut and it's first and goal. Wow, this is starting to get ugly. 4:38 - Ingram on the gap left play for another Bama first. And then he takes a toss for 12 yards and another first. The flag was on Clemson and Bama will start this drive in Tiger territory. Clemson looking pretty fucked here in the first quarter. McCoy catches a hook on first down to make it 2nd and short. The Tide are operating at will right now. 5:15 - Bama runs the punt back to midfield, but there's a flag. And a commercial. 3rd and 9 - Harper throws wide on 3rd and 9 and Clemson goes three and out. The ACC is meeting expectations thus far. 6:30 - 2nd and 11 for Clemson. Davis dances for a couple, and it looks like the tandem of Spiller and Davis may not be effective early on. Herbstreit: Doesn't this feel like a bowl game? No, this is better than a bowl game. Bama's freshman Mark Baron blows up the kick returner and Clemson will start just behind the 20. Awful Announcing checks in." FYI- for your live-blog...I know this is lame, but that kid Reamer who forced that fumble was on that MTV Two-A-Days show. Plus his last name is...Reamer." You don't get this level of analysis anywhere else. "I freaked out when it happened and then had to sit down and say that I just might know a little 'too much.'" 7:06 - Wilson is high with his third down effort and here comes a short field goal. 6-0 Bama. 7:31 - Ingram runs the gap left play to set up 3rd and 3. Bama is clearly winning the battle in the trenches right now. Wilson finds his tight end for a mighty 15-yard gain off the play action. First and 10 and...and there's another dive. 1st and 10 Bama with choice field position, and it's Coffee again off left tackle. Nick Saban likes his Coffee black. Like his running backs. That was good for six. AFTER FURTHER REVIEW this play is gonna stand. You gotta hand it to the SEC crew giving Clemson the benefit of the doubt. No, no I don't. 9:22 - Clemson reverts to a run up the middle with true frosh Jamie Harper, who coughs it up. Bama recovers, or did they? Let's go to the booth. That's fine. I need to scratch my ballsack for a couple minutes anyway. 9:37 - Bama kicks off to C.J. Spiller, who runs it out to the 30, and here comes Cullen Harper and the Tigers' offense. Cullen goes long on first down and nearly gets picked off. Ah, Clemson. How I missed thee. GM Commercial - If everyone is getting an employee discount, what kind of discount do the employees actually receive? Should I not be asking that? 3rd and a country mile - bubble screen to Coffee and they're short of the first down. Bama tries a 54-yard field goal and he knuckleballs it through the uprights with the 9-degree driver. Seriously, how the fuck did that go in? 3-0 Bama. 3rd and 10 - HOLY SHIT THAT WAS A GREAT CATH wha no they whistled the play dead. What the fuck is a snap infraction? Where's my rulebook? Delay of game on Bama. The new clock rules are really affecting teams after long pass plays. The offense isn't getting back to the line of scrimmage in time, and many teams today have taken 5-yard hits as a result. 11:30 - Bama's QB John Parker Jim Bob Wilson looks for the home run and waaaaayy overthrows his man. 12:00 - It's true frosh Julio Jones on the screen for the first down. There we go! And then Ingram on the dive. Well, the screen was fun. 1st and 15 for Bama and it's Coffee again up the middle. Did Bama not install their whole playbook yet? 13:19 - Bama jumps offsides. Can you get "three yards and a cloud of dust" on turf? 13:29 - We see a satellite shot of DE DaQuan Bowers' house. Good to know. 14:51 - Jr. RB Glen Coffee runs into the middle for two straight plays. He runs off-tackle left on 3rd and 2 and Bama picks up the first down. Clemson has a player down on the field, perhaps helping to take the pressure off Tommy Bowden. KICKOFF: Tommy Bowden says his team needs to "come out poised" to take the pressure off of him. Call this Reason No. 1 Clemson has trouble competing in November. Anyway, Clemson's kicking off to Bama, and the Tide get a nice return to their own 36. Pregame-IN THE STUDIO! Beanie Wells for Ohio State went down with a still-mysterious foot injury. "Ohio State will be alright," seems to be the consensus. Whatever, fools. They'll need Wells and a scrotum full of horseshoes if the Bucks expect to get past Southern Cal in Week 3. And let's go back to the Georgia Dome! The Clemson Tigers enter the arena—and do a good job, considering they're running in on level ground. Kickoff is next! Pottybreaks commence! Pregame 2: This is the Chick-Fli-A Kickoff Something or other. Chick-Fil-A, sadly has nothing to do with the shoe company. Kirk Herbstreit has a way of cancelling Musberger out. And this is going to be a great fucking game. GIT IT ON GIT IT ON! Clemson has most of their skill players returning on offense, most notably accurate QB Cullen Harper and the dangerous duo of James Davis and C.J. Spiller. Alabama will counter by starting 22 true freshmen for the first time in school history. Pregame: We're here at the Georgia Dome and it's...GODAMMIT, it's Brent Musberger. Well, forget about the play-by-play tonight. Unless you have a penchant for the obvious. Hey, some people do...