"It's really minimalistic," he said. "There's no frills ... It's just an empty space and a log cabin and snow." You pictured a hovel on the taiga. A lean-to. Wind whistling between the rough-hewn and bark-clad logs. J.J. Watt waking, abundantly and ruggedly bearded, staggering outside in the predawn gloaming with a buffalo hide wrapped around his shoulders, chopping with numbed fingers wood to feed the fire keeping him alive. Returning to camp with hunks missing from where he had to saw off the gangrenous frostbite with his hunting knife, roasting on a spit some beast he'd killed—after baiting it with his own hacked-off frostbitten flesh!
You pictured this:
Only with snow, and bears, and beans in a can, and sharing the canned beans with a friendly owl that comes by to share the warmth of the fire. "Bones," J.J. Watt would call the owl. Because it brought him a field mouse's ribcage as a sign of acceptance into its owl tribe.
J.J. Watt is a goddamn liar. Behold, via a RedFin real estate listing, his "minimalistic" "cabin"!
Busted Coverage dug out these photos, following on TMZ's earlier and more cursory look at the house by digging through tax records and finding a listing for this putative rugged wilderness retreat. That is a photo of J.J. Watt's offseason residence. It is not a photo of a minimalist log cabin.
We can bicker about the "log" part of "log cabin" all you like. This gigantic luxury home with a landscaped garden and circular driveway does, indeed, appear to be clad in a layer of wooden logs. It is not a cabin! It is not even a cottage. It might not even be a lodge! It is a friggin' log chalet. A log manse. A log compound. I've stayed in hotels humbler than that log alpine sex palace. That is a "minimalist" "log cabin" like Times Square is a "rustic" "crossroads."
J.J. Watt says his log manor lacks "frills." Let us look at some of the things J.J. Watt's log villa contains, and decide for ourselves whether they are minimalist amenities common to the rustic cabin experience, or frills.
A detached garage larger than Bhutan, with its own kitchen
Sort of by definition, separate enclosed housing for motor vehicles is not a thing a human dwelling-place must include. Especially when that automobile enclosure is the size of outer space. This is not the minimum.
Is it a frill?
It is a frill.
Is J.J. Watt a goddamn liar?
He is!
Tidier landscaping than most municipal golf courses
The activities of the rugged outdoorsman do not require sculpted bushes or the artful application of rocks. The rugged outdoorsman does not need a level patch of manicured turf on which to play croquet. The rugged outdoorsman takes his recreation fighting off wolves for the rights to the caribou he downed with his bare goddamn hands and teeth.
Is it a frill?
It is a frill.
Has J.J. Watt been lying to us all along, about everything?
Probably!
A bathroom much larger than an entire no-frills log cabin
Abraham Lincoln's childhood home did not contain a brass-fixtured shower stall large enough to host a karaoke party. Abraham Lincoln's childhood home contained a bucket. You filled it with water, you stood next to it while you washed, you dumped it over your head when you were done, and then it was also the toilet, probably. And Abraham Lincoln, lemme tell you right now: That guy turned out pretty darn okay.
Is it a frill?
It is a frill.
Is it fair to assume the kind of person who describes this bathroom as not-a-frill also has inflatable prosthetic pectoral muscles?
It'd be unfair not to assume that.
Two more kitchens, I mean what even is this guy's fucking deal
A minimalist log cabin with no frills does not have three total kitchens. It does not have one kitchen! It has a fire pit, and a can of beans, and maybe a stick for any meat you happen to strangle to death with your hands while simultaneously weeping and snarling. For that is all the rugged outdoorsman needs as he completes his offseason training regimen of standing shirtless in the freezing river and daring the bears to fight him.
Is it a frill?
It is a frill.
What kind of a person uses the word "minimalist" to describe a place with three kitchens?
Kathie Lee Gifford.
Like 900,000 square feet of additional garage space or whatever
Even if we allow for the possibility that a no-frills log cabin may include a garage, which it may not, surely one garage is enough for the rustic outdoorsman. Surely the rustic outdoorsman does not need additional garage space capacious enough to store the United States Naval Fleet. Surely this exceeds the rustic outdoorsman's vehicle storage needs.
Is it a frill?
It is a frill.
Is this actually spray-on blood J.J. Watt just used to make himself look bad-ass?
I mean, of course it is.
J.J. Watt is not the man we thought he was! He is a goddamn deceitful liar. If his "minimalist" "log cabin" with "no frills" is such a dirty lie, how can we believe him at all? I bet he doesn't even work out at all. Probably isn't even good at football. Man. Doesn't have a log cabin, doesn't work out, doesn't even play in the NFL. What isn't he lying about?
Photos of J.J. Watt's log manse via RedFin; photo of an actual minimalist log cabin via Shutterstock