The NBA Closer is written by our own Canadian weekend maestro J.E. Skeets. When he's not busy scouring the box scores or trying to find Schenectady, NY on a map, he can be heard on The Basketball Jones daily podcast. Enjoy!
• Pile On. With NBA "Heritage Week" in full swing, the Knicks decided to wear uniforms from their 1972-73 season — the last time they won a championship. So how'd the old/new digs work out? Oh, gee, take a wild fuckin' guess. Kevin Durant dropped 30 points and Jeff Green added 17 as the 6-17 Seattle RookieSonics beat the shitastic Knicks 117-110. Adding insult to injury, former Knicks forward Kurt Thomas scored five clutch points over the final few minutes to seal the deal. C'mon, Isiah ... Kurt Thomas? Can that dude even see straight? New York falls to 6-15, tied with Miami for the worst record in the East.
• Respect The Underhand, Dammit! The Rockets shot 6-for-22 from the charity stripe, missing 14 of their first 15 attempts, yet still beat the Pistons 80-77. Man, when will it all make sense? Tracy McGrady, taking a page from the Isiah Thomas excuse-book, explained his team's foul line futility: "It's mental. It's just you and the basket," he said. "And the fans definitely don't make it easy on you. Every time you miss, (they say), 'Awwww!' 'Awwww!' That's the worst thing you can do to a player — especially at home." Awwww, NBA players and coaches want to play in noise-canceling headphones. Cute.
• Good God Almighty! Garnett Killed Brady! Here's a fun idea I just came up with while eating a pizza bagel: Patriots versus Celtics in a "Hell in a Cell" match. Yeah, that's right; two dominant New England-based teams enter the cage ... only one crew survives the night! Winner gets the Red Sox in a "Ladder Match" at Summerslam. What? You wouldn't pay good money to see Boston teams beat the shit out of each other? Rookie Glen Davis scored 16 points in his first NBA start to lead Boston to a 90-78 win over the Kings to keep the Celtics unbeaten at home. Sacramento is now 0-9 on the road.
• He A Get, Get, Get, Get, You Dunk. Kris Kristofferson. Kris Kross. Kris Humphries. I see a pattern, and that pattern is awesome. Kris Humphries had 16 points and 12 rebounds and Kris Bosh — snicker, snicker, snicker — scored 17 as the Raptors beat-up the Mavericks 92-76. Joy! And in even better news: T.J. Ford, seen walking and smiling, received a loud ovation when he joined the Raps' bench in street clothes during the second quarter.