So May started out pretty well if you happen to live in the 3-1-3. Within the space of two hours, the Pistons dispatched the 76ers to go to Round Two of the NBA Playoffs, the Red Wings pummeled the Avalanche to sweep that series, and the Tigers ... well, the Tigers pulled off the greatest feat of all. Ramon Santiago temporarily transformed the term "utility infielder" into "Golden God," as his two-run triple helped the Tigers beat the Yankees 8-4. It was the crowning touch that sent D-town into a realm of ecstasy not seen since the orgasmatron scene in Sleeper. The victory completed the Tigers' first three-game sweep of the Yanks since 1966. Pitcher Larry Sherry, we salute you.
Could it get any better in Detroit, you ask? The answer of course is yes. This year Detroit will become the first city to have its symphony orchestra directed by a robot. What's next, Wayne State in the Rose Bowl?
Drink it in, Detroitniks. Miguel Cabrera homered, tripled and drove in three runs, Nate Robertson earned the win (!) and Magglio Ordonez had three hits — including a two-run double — as the Tigers won their eighth of the past 10. Things are going so well for them that they're almost to .500. Popular Tigers blog Bless You Boys not only ran a Popeye photo this morning, but one of their commenters dubbed relief pitcher Francisco Cruceta — who made his Tigers' debut on Thursday — as "The Caped Cruceta." Hey, isn't Popeye the ultimate abuser of performance enhancers? Who cares? They're dancing in Grosse Pointe! Yipee!
• Nationals 3, Pirates 2. Meanwhile, not to be outdone, Pittsburgh on Thursday was named the nation's sootiest city.
• Indians Pull Their Pronk. Jolted by the news that DH Travis "Pronk" Hafner was pulled from the starting lineup (it was just a little 7-for-51 slump! Come on!), the Indians charged out and beat the Mariners 3-2 in 11 innings. Asdrubal Cabrera broke an 0-for-14 slump of his own with a two-out, bases-loaded single to win it.
• Braun On The Fourth Of July. Look, I have no idea of Ryan Braun is going to do anything noteworthy on July 4th, so I'm using the headline now. Braun's bases-loaded, two-run double off of Kerry Wood gave the Brewers a 4-3 win over the Cubs. Carlos Zambrano pitched well and had his 13th career homer; tying Ferguson Jenkins for the Cubs' career lead for pitchers.
• Rally Monkey Takes The Day Off. Quite a day for the Athletics' Jack Cust. His error in the second inning led to five unearned runs, and he also went 4-for-4 with two walks and a go-ahead homer in Oakland's 15-8 win over the Angels.
• Goodbye Matt. Matt Morris, late of the Pirates but known more for his days with the Cardinals, has retired.