Once upon a time, a site called The Black Table had a regular feature entitled Waxing Off, in which women gathered in an online roundtable to discuss issues of the day, and also to make fun of Will Leitch's shoes. And so we got to thinking: With so many great female sports bloggers out there, why not import the idea here? It's just crazy enough to work. So behold: The latest edition of Deadspin's Waxing Off. We found some terrific female writers who were willing to pen short pieces on this week's topic: Unconventional sports crushes. I think women are smart, don't get me wrong. But for the life of me I can't figure out how Lyle Lovett scored him some Julia Roberts. And Enza Sambataro dumps Ben Affleck for Kevin Youkilis? (room spinning, must sit down). OK ladies, explain yourselves. You have six posts in which to do so. By the way, if you'd like to be part of the Waxing Off writing staff, email myself at [email protected], or Mr. Daulerio at [email protected].
President Steezarak: You've surely heard the old song, "If you wanna be happy the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife." It's pretty offensive … offensively honest that is. And I think you can swap the genders and the moral stays the same. I also think a hot girl is more likely to marry a schmo than the other way around, though perhaps that's an issue for my therapist to help me work through. So with that in mind, my unconventional crush is Charlie Weis. He is also my conventional crush in that he would literally crush me in the sack. Why Coach Weis? I'm glad you asked. First, he's fat. Did you notice? Stand next to a fat person, and suddenly you're feeling pretty good about your weight and appearance. Not only do you look skinnier comparatively, but fat people always give you self-loathing compliments about how skinny you are. And though yes, you have to do the obligatory, "oh, I'm not that skinny," in your head you're like "OH HELL YES!!!" Even if you weren't "actually" skinny, you would be soon because he'd be eating everything in sight. Second, he is like totally OMFG BFFs with Tom Brady. Seriously if you're gonna be married to guy looking like Charlie (or Chaz as he prefers to be called), make sure he has hot friends you can have an affair with. In my head, Tom would be so mystified about the tall skinny (!!! it's working !!!) girl dating/hooking up with/married to his former coach, he'd just HAVE to see what he was missing out on. Since he has super swimmers, I'd obviously get pregnant and blackmail the pants off of him. It will be amazing. And finally, I hate Notre Dame. A lot of people do actually. I want to do a favor for those people and the rest of the world and be the person to take "one for the team" and make Charlie Weis pay. We're talking humiliating role play leaked to the newspapers (haha, just kidding, no one reads newspapers); rumors about orgies spreading across the blogosphere; sex tapes posted on Perez. Sure, I'd have to spend a fortune on stand-ins for those because ain't no way I'm participating, but totally worth every dime (thanks to baby daddy Tom Brady). Once his precious personal life is destroyed, I'll take his precious elite football program away too. Oh wait someone beat me to it. — President Steezarak is a Texas Longhorn fan living in Washington D.C. who once mistook Will Muschamp for Jesus. ————-
The Head Chick In Charge: Tony Kornheiser could get it. That's right. Loud, sloppy, nasty forbidden nursing home sex that will threaten society's acceptance of Cialis and make his children worry about their inheritance. He's a White man that dances, albeit penguin. And he sounds smart (especially to himself) when he's talking. And he likes to play dress up. He's perfect! And he's not as old as I thought. I was shocked to learn that he's only 61 years old. Truthfully, I doubt this. Who knew? Before there was a Kim Zolciak of Real Housewives of Atlanta, there was a Anthony Irwin Kornheiser lying about his age. Anyway, he doesn't look a day over 73 and I'd be happy to tempt him away from his wife. Yes, Tony Reali is the obvious choice from that set, but I generally disapprove of men wearing jeans that cost more than $100. Real men like Kornheiser wear sweater vests and aren't afraid to wear their reading glasses when they need them. Some people complain about Kornheiser. They say he's a bad boy, especially when he's on Monday Night Football. That it's undeniable that he'll eventually annoy me to death. That he'll emphasize the obvious until my head explodes. That we'll never last. Those people don't know the real Tony. I know the real Tony. He's cantankerous, yet delightful. He's the PTI Tony, the Washington Post Tony. The MNF Tony is just a front. And I just adore him. I dare to dream, but maybe Tony and I will have a future together riding together in a luxury bus across the 48 contiguous and clipping coupons and doing all the things that old people do. Well, I'm not old ... but I will happily play the May to his December, plow him with red wine and spend his money. He is rich now, cha-ching! But I'm no gold digger. I'm down for clipping the aforementioned coupons. Did you know you can get a free Dr. Pepper if you download the coupon from the corresponding site on Sunday? That's the most useful mention of Chinese Democracy and/or GNR that has appeared on this site in weeks. I hope Tony likes dessert ... — The HCIC owns the domain name for Leave The Man Alone. ————-
Ace: This is embarrassing, but I love Jon Runyan. I have a little crush on Runyan, the 300-pound offensive tackle for my Eagles. So the natural question is, why? Why would a girl like me, a third of his size, and a little more than half his age be attracted to this man? I have no idea. My best guess is it's because he's nasty at football, and, to me at least, he slightly resembles a teddy bear. Also, he bowls. He bowls for charities! How could you not find that cute? In general, fans develop unusual crushes (yes, even man-crushes) on athletes because of their talent. Or maybe it's because of their "interesting" looks. Or maybe it's something else altogether. Who knows why we love? Basically my point is that if Jon Runyan's reading this, I would really like a hug (I know he's married with three kids). And I apologize in advance, but I can't resist mentioning that he's #69. Immature? Yes. Coincidence? I don't think so. — Ace is a journalism student in Boston who will never get tired of working "World Fucking Champions" into every possible conversation. ————-
J-Money: For the past decade, I've had a thing for professional golfer/CBS broadcaster/serial adulterer Nick Faldo because there's something incredibly sexy about six major championships, more green jackets than the night manager at Bennigan's, and a loose moral code. I'm still not sure why I chose him to be my athletic obsession. He's older than Velcro and golf isn't the most athletic pursuit, straddling the line between 'sport' and 'hobby' just like archery or whittling or arson, but I'd still put my mashie near his niblick, if you know what I mean (AND I THINK YOU DO). There were certain parallels between us that made him more attractive, like the fact that he's from England and I'm from West Virginia, two places where the accents make it difficult to understand the locals and the dental industry is non-existent. I also played golf for several years, even though my career achievements were limited to the Coalfield Conference Championship (1995), the Everyone Assumes You're A Lesbian Open (1995-1998) and the Feed That Chili Dog to that Seagull and You'll Never Play Here Again Tournament (1997). He also left his second wife for a college player—one only a few semesters older than me—so he actually seemed attainable in that twisted Lifetime movie kind of way. I was in the crowd at Augusta in '96, the year Greg Norman choked harder than the late Linda Lovelace and handed Nick the last of his six majors. Despite getting close enough to him to count the pleats on his Stain Defenders, I don't think he ever saw me, which is probably for the best since I was fond of coral lipstick and skorts at the time. Faldo has since swapped the Masters for a mic to become CBS's lead golf analyst. He doesn't play very much anymore and neither do I, but I still think about him every time I do tee one up and, Nick, if you're reading this I hope the next time you kiss a claret jug (and face it, you're going to have to do this with one you already have), that — just once — you'll think of me. — J-Money is a freelance writer and responsible for The Typing Makes Me Sound Busy. She hasn't worn a skort since 1996. ————-
Ciara: Greg Oden could get it. Yes, Nat Turner's right-hand-man could get it in a heartbeat. I don't know what it is but there is something so normal about that cat that makes me want to take him home to meet my Pops. It started way before he went to Ohio State. I remember watching a short piece about him on the four-letter network. Minus the height, he didn't come off with that typical athlete vibe. He had glasses on too, so he came off like a dork. He was so anti-athlete to me that he had me intrigued from the get-go. He isn't your typical pretty boy like Kobe. He doesn't even have that understated fineness like Chris Paul. Greg Oden looks like a dude that you would see from around the way and that is what makes him so attractive to me. Pretty boys are either cocky or gay (Jimmy Jackson, I'm talking to you). For one, Greg Oden isn't that bad to look at. Remember, it isn't like he's on Tyrone Hill status or something (like my Pops said, Tyrone Hill looks like he drinks turpentine). Secondly, dude can take a joke about his looks. He knows that he looks like Father Time and he can laugh it off with the best of them. Lastly, he looks like he could pick me up. That's a plus… While I will admit, if Brian Westbrook knocked on my door and asked to go half on a baby with me, I wouldn't even think about Greg. Greg who? But if Greg knocked on my door and asked me if I wanted to hang out, go to the movies or just chill, I would say yes in a heartbeat. — Ciara wants Marty Morningwheg's head on a stick in front of City Hall. She's sick of this sh*t! ————-
Meghan: Does an obsessive stat guy that formulated a superior system for predicting fantasy baseball performances count as a sports figure? If so, my unconventional sports guy crush is on Nate Silver, the Baseball Prospectus guy who came up with PECOTA. I actually came across him via his political blog, fivethirtyeight. But when I found out that he was also a baseball stat genius I was smitten. The man just screams nerdy awkwardness. And there's something about his lanky, slightly undernourished frame that just gives me butterflies. I'm not joking. I love lanky, awkward, nerdy guys. And add in a love of sports, politics and math and you pretty much have my ideal man. I know most women want a strong, athletic guy with classically good looks who's also handy and can do stuff around the house, but whatever. Think about all the positives of a guy like Nate. He's smart, ambitious, hardworking, and from the Midwest, which pretty much means he's a nice guy. He will always have job, no matter how bad the economy is sports and politics always seem to create jobs. I like stable and reliable, probably because it's the opposite of what I tend to be. While my experiences with fantasy baseball obsessed boyfriends have not been great, I willing to give it another chance. Really, they can't get much worse. And there's something about really nerdy, awkward guys that makes them better suited to deal with the emotional roller coaster that comes with dating me. Maybe it's that they are not used to having girlfriends and are willing to try harder. Whatever, Nate, if you are looking for a smart, cute, petite, strawberry blonde, who's slightly younger than you, let me know. I could see a move to Washington in your future with your political leanings, and that happens to be where I'm applying for jobs. It could be perfect. — Meghan thinks Nate Silver should be the President Obama point person to fix the college football system. She loves nerds and also blogs about sports at Girls Don't Know Sports.