Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.
* A fan at last night's Rangers-A's game snagged his first home run ball on the grassy knoll and then promptly let the whole state of Texas know what he thinks of them. He always knew he'd show them all one day. [Thanks to Greg, Johnathan and Zach for catching this.]
* In his very first playoff start, Michael Leighton shuts downs the Bruins to help the Flyers rally from an 0-3 deficit to force Game 7. Because what Philly needs now is another reason to start tasing people. [Boston Herald]
* Stephen Strasburg threw six no-hit innings in his second AAA start. Rumors say he might bypass Major League Baseball altogether and head straight to a failed Congressional bid and a career in casino greeting. [MLB]
* Super Saver opens a 5-2 favorite for this weekend's Preakness, but bookies are saying its even money that Pimlico spectators will be too drunk to place coherent wagers by the end of the fourth race. [ESPN]
* What is America's most miserable sports city? I say whichever one Jose Canseco is currently trying to box someone in. [Forbes]
* Olympic gymnast Shawn Johnson joins the pantheon of horrendous first-pitch throwers with this five-foot worm burner for the Iowa Cubs. She's a world champion athlete, people! Although, she may want to consider the possibility that she's actually left-handed. [Big League Stew]
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I've said once and I'll say it again: Day jobs are for suckers. (Now, excuse me while I sleep for 17 straight hours.)