In which we provide today's convenient excuse to drink alone at 8:30 in the morning.
Please forgive our inability to service your La Liga needs as we barely know enough to keep our Ronaldos and our Ronaldinhos apart. (All you need to know about both, house burglars: filthy rich.) However, please allow us to prepare your Strongbow and your six kinds of sausage as you settle in for a long morning of cursing at the telly (but without the gaiety in your language, please):
Newcastle v Liverpool (7.00 am ET) - We assume this one's already 4-1 by the time you read this, considering the injuries for Newcastle and the competition and all. If not, have another Strongbow on the house; you'll need it to survive what promises to be a strange morning.
Arsenal v Portsmouth (9.00 am ET) - If you choose to slide down the dial on this one, we'll happily break this one down for you in advance: Arsenal makes the extra extra pass and fails to attack except when they do and injure patrons in the 23rd row. Portsmouth confuses Tony Adams for Gerry Adams and refuses to come near the ball. After an appalling 1-1 tie (both goals by Adebayor), Wenger attacks the home groundskeeper for mixing 10% too much Kentucky bluegrass into the seed combination. This has been your Arsenal v Portsmouth early final.
West Ham v Stoke City (9.00 am ET) - If they must. On the other hand, the safest place in Britain this afternoon has to be Upton Park as Craig Bellamy won't be allowed in.
Fulham v Chelsea (9.00 am ET) - Unfortunately, John Terry couldn't make this match as an emergency meeting of the Gritty Gutty Short White Men's Club has been called in St. Louis to discuss David Eckstein's continued unemployment and the possible weakening of the mental powers of the organizating. Also, Wes Welker's snow angel penalty and Craig Biggio's upcoming bid for governor of Texas will be considered.
Blackburn v Manchester City (11.15 am ET) - Sam Allardyce and late sleepers should beware what they wish for.