There’s never exactly a good time to be Ted Cruz. His mannerisms are stilted, his friends are nonexistent, and he has far more skin than any one human should ever possess. There are, however, less-bad times to be Ted. And 2016 was not one of those years.
Thanks to a potent combination of Ted Cruz’s natural unlikability, Donald Trump, and a remarkable set of burns from his own children, Ted Cruz spent the entire year getting utterly destroyed over and over and over again.
With so much fear and uncertainty in our future, it’s important that we take time to focus on the good and wholesome things in our lives. Which is why we present to you the year in Ted Cruz humiliations, ranked.
When Ted Cruz was forced to return to Capitol Hill a loser and also (still) hated by every one of his colleagues.
It’s no secret that Ted Cruz doesn’t have the best track record when it comes to getting along with “people.” As Lindsey Graham put it: “If you killed Ted Cruz on the floor of the Senate, and the trial was in the Senate, nobody would convict you.” So after such a long and grueling campaign, at least Ted got to come home to a little continuity.
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When Ted gave us a glimpse into Heidi Cruz’s living hell and tried to sing on national television.
Very natural and unrehearsed.
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When Ted told us how excited he was to watch the foot men make touchpoints.
Sounds like Ted’s ready for the big game. Now that’s what I call a slam dunk!
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When this happened at the Republican National Convention.
What we wouldn’t give to not know who Ted Cruz was.
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When Ted Cruz lost a primary district to Ben Carson—after Ben Carson had already dropped out.
On April 19, New York’s 16th district told the world that, yes, they know Ben Carson is no longer actually a candidate, and yes, Ben Carson may be an unqualified idiot—but he’s still better than Ted fucking Cruz.
Which is to say, Ted Cruz lost to a man in a coma who wasn’t even competing in the first place. There’s still some good in this world yet.
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When everyone realized that Ted doesn’t know how to interact with humans in any capacity.
When Ted Cruz first announced that Carly Fiorina would be his running mate (for six days), he held a big press conference to kick off their union (of six days.) And it took Ted all of three seconds to show the world just how tight their bond really is. Which, incidentally, is apparently not tight enough for Ted Cruz and much, much too tight for Carly Fiorina. We assume Ted has yet to let go.
If you watch Carly closely, you can almost see the exact moment that the special light inside of her dies forever.
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When a heckler at a Ted Cruz rally shouted “Ted Cruz looks so weird!” before pretending to barf.
You can hear the man’s first shouts at the very end of the video above, but according to The Washington Examiner, he got at least one more “Ted Cruz looks weird!” in before commencing some performative retching.
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When a protestor faked out Ted Cruz and told him he looks “like a fish monster.”
Oh look, Ted surely thought to himself. Finally, a kind stranger to shake my hand. And one with such supple skin, at that.
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When Ted tried to yell at Marco Rubio in Spanish.
The incident in question happens about 25 seconds in to the video above, a rough translation of which amounts to “I’m sad, where is my soup?” ¡Qué embarazoso!
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When the National Enquirer reported that Ted has had at least five extramarital affairs.
Though none of the women were addressed by name, the Enquirer wrote that “Cruz’s claimed mistresses include a foxy political consultant and a high-placed D.C. attorney!” There were rumors that Trump’s team planted the story, too, which marked the first time anyone has ever accused Ted Cruz of having anything approximating sex appeal.
Ted was quick to deny such a notion.
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When Donald Trump stirred up the rumor that Ted’s father had helped assassinate JFK.
Just one day before Ted bowed out of the 2016 race for good, Donald Trump went on Fox News and referenced the National Enquirer’s groundbreaking investigation from earlier in the week that tied Ted Cruz’s father, Rafael, to JFK assassin Lee Harvey Oswald.
While we may never know the truth about Rafael Cruz’s mysterious whereabouts on November 22, 1963, we can at last say with certainty that at least Donald Trump got to successfully dunk on Ted Cruz one final time (until all the other times).
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When Donald Trump kept insulting Ted’s wife on Twitter.
To be perfectly honest, the fact that we elected the guy who did this is an equally humiliating self-own.
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When Donald Trump owned Ted Cruz at the RNC.
On the worst night of Ted Cruz’s life thus far, he took a big risk in choosing not to explicitly endorse Donald Trump. Instead, he told the packed crowd at the Republican National Convention to “vote your conscience.” Trump’s team was not about to have any of that ...
...so Trump’s aides apparently encouraged supporters in the crowd to start heckling Cruz off stage. And being the washed-up reality star that he is, Trump took the opportunity to walk out onto the RNC floor himself, forcing the networks to cut away from low-energy Lyin’ Ted.
At which point, Trump urinated on all 2,472 Republican delegates while beating his chest to the tune of “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” by The Rolling Stones. Ted, alone and still on stage, wept.
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When Ted Cruz did his best bad boy impression for the cameras.
Just one day before the National Enquirer story came out, Ted Cruz thought he’d finally put Trump in his place by telling to cut all of his bullying b*ll cr*p OUT. Somehow, incredibly, it did not work. I still have a hard time making it through the entire clip.
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When even Jeb Bush tried to avoid him after one of the debates.
To be fair, it was a safe a bet as Ted could fathom. After all, it’s Jeb. Polite, milquetoast, stammering-ass Jeb. And yet—Jeb couldn’t stomach talking to Ted for more than a few seconds after finally getting cornered. Why, even Chris Christie instinctually turned away at the sight of Cruz on the prowl. Chris Christie!
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When Ted Cruz desecrated a classic movie scene by calling a hoop a “basketball ring.”
Ted Cruz went on to lose every state that night. Congratulations to Ted.
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When his daughter owned him.
God bless Caroline Cruz.
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When Ted Cruz picked a running mate six days before dropping out of the race.
When Ted announced that Carly Fiorina would be his “running mate,” it was already mathematically impossible for Ted Cruz to win the nomination. And yet! Maybe if Ted had tried to catch her when she fell, things could have been different.
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When his daughter owned him again, harder.
During the six days that Ted Cruz had a running mate before dropping out, he embarked on an “I am a human” tour with his new, six-day-friend Carly Fiorina. And at a rally in South Bend, Indiana, as he bent down to show the crowd just how much he, a human man, loved his daughter, Caroline Cruz fucking ran. As would we all.
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When Heidi revealed that, after their honeymoon, Ted immediately bought 100 cans of Campbell’s Chunky™ Soup.
This was Heidi’s version of a “humanizing” story for Ted. When asking herself how to help voters relate to her husband, of all the stories in all their years of marriage, the very best she could do was talk about the time Ted bought a nauseating amount of cold, canned, instant soup.
Now, is it a fact that Ted Cruz guzzles his soup straight from the can while nude and weeping? Who can say for sure? But almost certainly, yes.
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When Ted Cruz was forced to phone bank for Trump.
If anyone ever asks you what “cuck” means in the modern-day, monsters on Twitter sense of the word, please just point them to this video of a broken Ted Cruz making phone calls on behalf of Donald Trump. Before this point, Donald Trump had called Ted Cruz a liar and a wacko, accused his father of helping to assassinate JFK, called his wife ugly, humiliated him at the RNC, and even once referred to Ted himself as “a pussy.”And then Ted was forced to sit there, do his best impression of what he thinks is a smile, and say, Please vote for the man who broke me. Please vote for Mr. Trump.
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When that weird shit fell out of Ted Cruz’s mouth and then suddenly fell back in.
I’m sorry.
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When Ted Cruz elbowed his wife in the face three times after announcing that he was a perpetual failure.
As Ted Cruz gave yet another concession speech (six days after picking a running mate, no less), the only thing people would remember was that, as he finished his speech and went in to give his dear, old, assassinating dad a hug, he punched his wife in the face no less than three times.
Thus ended Ted’s 2016 run for president.
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We’ll see you in four years.