Your morning roundup for Sept. 24, a day you no longer have to worry about getting hit by a falling satellite unless you already got hit, in which case wouldn't be reading this because you're not alive to fret. Got any stories or photos for us? Tip your editors.
What we watched: Not sure how much drag "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" has nationwide — I'd hope it's considerable, 'cause the show is a credit to the television medium — but if you're among those unfortunate sapsuckers yet to watch it, might I recommend catching this week's episode?
It's titled "The Gang Goes To The Jersey Shore." It's about the gang going to the Jersey shore. It features — in no particular order — homeless assplay under the Boardwalk, feral dogs roaming the beaches, Ecstacy, Angel Dust, roids, a Go-Go's song, slo-mo amusement-ride vomit, liquor store armed robberies and Fat Mac and Frank partying with yacht guidos.
As someone familiar with a Jersey shore involving fire being set to willing people via hairspray and lighters not to mention the comfort of sleeping in the dunes with black Sambuca lacquering the innards, this felt much more like the real deal than the MTV series with yappy dwarfettes and bacne'd meatbags. Life is Rum Ham and Rum Ham is life.
Elsewhere
The Brewers claimed a NL playoff spot: "Nyjer Morgan, a.k.a. 'Tony Plush,' wore a S.W.A.T. helmet, decorated with a Brewers logo. Morgan had referred to the offense all season as the S.W.A.T. team (as in swatting a baseball), so it was fitting gear. 'I'm loving it!' shouted Morgan, drenched from head to toe. 'This is fantastic, amazing. This is just what this group deserves. Words can't explain it. We believed in each other, believed in our manager.'" [Journal Sentinel; Photo H/T Benny Sieu]
As did the Diamondbacks: "One by one, they climbed the outfield wall to rinse off the Gloria Ferrer Va de Vi champagne with pool water. 'A couple of days ago in the bullpen, I said, 'If we clinch, I want to get in that pool,' said reliever David Hernandez, the winning pitcher for the division-clinching 3-1 victory Friday night against San Francisco. 'It was the first time I got in that pool. I didn't know it was heated. It was a far run, too. I won't be doing that again, unless we win the World Series, and then it's OK.'" [Arizona Republic; video H/T xtra910, B&G]
Meanwhile, in the AL, the Rangers are back in the postseason: "The ginger ale, champagne and beer started to flow after Gio Gonzalez allowed one run in 7 1/3 innings to help the A's past the Angels 3-1. The Rangers, whose lead is six games with five to play, won their 91st game of the season. That's one more than the 2010 team that advanced to the World Series. "It's been a total team effort," Young said. "Everyone's done their part. You talk about Craig tonight. Those are the kind of guys we're happy for." [Star-Telegram, photo H/T Tom B.]
And the Braves move closer to rounding out the NL playoff field: "The Braves scored three runs in the first inning against phenom Stephen Strasburg and rolled to a 7-4 win over Washington at Nationals Park. 'Huge,' left fielder Martin Prado said after Atlanta reduced its wild-card-clinching magic number to three with five games left on the schedule. 'Everybody was pumped up... Every at-bat, every game, every inning is huge from now on.'" [AJC]
Your Michael LaPayower is the king of the world Interlude:
BYU beats UCF by seven, covers: "[T]he beleaguered BYU Cougars ... crawled off the mat after getting humiliated by their biggest rival last week and found just enough grit and a few fortunate bounces to hold off Central Florida 24-17 in front of 59,874 at LaVell Edwards Stadium on Friday night. 'We all needed it,' coach Bronco Mendenhall said, choking up a bit in the postgame news conference. 'Again, it wasn't easy, but we found a way. And that's important, especially at this stage of the season.'" [Salt Lake Tribune]
We are all Stephan Pittman: "The balding Pittman is obviously older than the 28-year-old Young, and in a video of Pittman being brought into custody he looks shorter and pudgier than the 6-foot-5, 232-pound Young." [PFT; Photo H/T Tom B.]
Today's Soccer Viewing Recommendations:
Arsenal vs. Bolton (10 a.m., Fox Soccer Channel). Stoke City vs. Man U (12:30 p.m., FSC). Real Madrid vs. Rayo Vallecano (2 p.m., Gol).
Merch: Managing editor Tom Scocca and contributing editor Drew Magary have both written books. You can buy Scocca's Beijing Welcomes You: Unveiling the Capital City of the Future here, and Magary's The Postmortal here. Now do it.