Imagine, if you will, that you got into a bar fight in Grand Rapids, Mich.
Imagine that bites are exchanged.
Imagine that one of those bites lands on your nose.
Imagine that your nose is then left looking like a downward-facing dong.
Imagine that your assailant is charged with mayhem.
Imagine that he apologizes from behind bars, saying, "I know that was the reason why it happened. If it wasn't for the alcohol it would've never happened."
Imagine accepting that apology, despite wondering, "Is it ever gonna look the same like I was before? I think that's my biggest worry."
Yes, Polly Snyder, that is a legitimate worry.
Per tipster Sam T., lawyers.com went above-and-beyond the unintentional-dong call of duty with an wondrous graphic depicting crimidongs in various states of lawlessness. You could ALL learn something from their potential misdeeds, particularly the gambler with pig balls.
Steitchen was reading "The Missing Mitten Mystery" to his kid the other night. That's when he noticed white cock all over the place. "Apparently," he writes, "the cold snow doesn't cause any shrinkage issues for this giant snow dong."
While likely intentional, Maggie M.'s submission deserves a fair airing. "Someone left this sausage on the grill with a side of sex education, boys!" she writes, knowing that one can never been too educated on these matters.
Writes tipster Xan, "Here's a picture of a cookie from Japan I picked up at the Tokyo airport. 'Tokyo banana' is the brand name." And unintentional bananadong is the conclusion.
The other night, Sarah L. asked, "Does anyone else see the shape of this stage??" If they did, I'm sure they thought dong.
T.S. Sean dong! (H/T Jim H.)
David C. "saw this during an MSHA webex. I am a miner in Tennessee and MSHA requires 8 hours of Annual Refresher Training."
Will A. provides what appears to be a dong emerging from a banana peel that someone had the foresight to have inked in their skin in perpetuity. Or maybe it was artistically intentional. A representation of emerging from one's shell, taut, ready for action. Who are we to question the artist and his or her inspirations?
Tipster Bryan comes correct with this Unintentional Oral Dong.
Tipster Joel notes that "deal website 'no more rack' has a lovely lock and dong pendant complete with gems in today's deal email." Related note: Valentine's Day is right around the corner.
Explains tipster Will A., "We went to the Winchester mystery house as one stop of our California road trip for my girlfriend's bday. Usually she tells me I'm dumb for sending in unintentional dong submissions and I still think they're funny regardless of what she says. This time, she actually pointed this one out and told me to send in the photo. I think I'm converting her to the Deadspin darkside slowly but surely. The funniest part of the pix to me is that it looks like the dong is going right into the coal chute."
Good work, Will's coal-chute loving ladyfriend. You're the reason he was able to achieve the rare double-submission input this week. Show your appreciation in whatever fashion you're comfortable.
Normally, this wouldn't have made the cut. But, the tipster seems to have tapped into an erotic-fanfic vein with his prepared caption submission: "Brad W from NYC was pumping iron when out of the corner of his eye he caught a glimpse of this shiny metallic member. He drew inspiration from King Dong: Silver Edition to bang out a few more squat thrusts."
And finally, Matt L. send in this tree-ball dong shot from a Tumblr page with a really long name/subname. It's highly recommended that you go to said long-named Tumblr and click on the photo itself, provided you're not at work.