Your morning roundup for Oct. 8, the day we learn that it's best just to plead guilty when caught handing out semen-tainted yogurt at the market. Got any stories or photos for us? Tip your editors.
What we watched: What we watched was the St. Louis Cardinals win a baseball game on the road 1-0. What we watched was the St. Louis Cardinals deserve to win a baseball game on the road 1-0.
What we watched was St. Louis Cardinal Chris Carpenter pitch to Philadelphia Phillies first baseman Ryan Howard with two outs in the bottom of the ninth inning of a National League playoff series, just like Brian Wilson of the San Francisco Giants did last year.
What we watched was instead of Howard eyeballing the decisive pitch as it sailed past him for a season-ending strike call, he swung, hit the ball and crumpled to the ground injured halfway up the baseline.
What we watched was a grounder that a second baseman threw the ball to future Chicago Cub Albert Pujols for the out at first. What we watched was Carpenter, Pujols and their friends dance on the field.
What we watched was proof that baseball is fickle, which we already knew yet it always rattles us when we're on the ass-end of that capriciousness. What we watched verified the adage that the best team on any given night can win, even when all they can muster is one run in the top of the first inning.
What we watched were the high hopes of Philadelphia fans get snuffed out like used-up Pall Malls outside Passyunk Avenue taprooms. What we didn't watch were St. Louis fans's high hopes get crackered-up like nitrous victory balloons because that footage wasn't yet available.
What we watched was a sporting event that left someone in line to get Tased instead of videotaping someone else getting walloped by a 90mph fastball.
All that, that's what we watched and we're trying to be fine with all that. Except those of us getting Tased. Because those of us who will feel the sour sting of electrodes responded with a simple "." while those of us who will be delivering the sweet cracklin' of electrodes responded with an eloquent, "I don't want to do the tasering at all. Just like I tried to talk [him] out of the tattoo, I will try to talk him out of the tasing."
Most of all, what we watched was a great goddamn baseball game, even if that pockmarked jitbag Tony LaRussa gets to preen, posture and prance for at least a few more days.
And then we watched The Wiz episode of Seinfeld, but we couldn't even smile.
Elsewhere
Maybe Front Row Amy's reverse cleavage move inspired the Brewers: "A pressure-packed Game 5. A great pitching duel between Yovani Gallardo and Ian Kennedy. A bases-loaded jam in the eighth inning and a piece of K-Rod magic. An Arizona comeback in the ninth inning against Milwaukee closer John Axford. But the Brewers had the last word as Nyjer Morgan singles home the winning run in the 10th inning to defeat the Diamondbacks, 3-2, at Miller Park. [Milwaukee Journal Sentinel] (H/T Lew)
Carpenter on the Brewers: "Well it's going to be a battle. Those guys can play, man. Those haves have some good starting pitching. They've got a really nice bullpen. Offensively they're really good. They've got two MVP candidates, never mind half the guys around Braun and Fielder. We've played a lot of games against them. It's going to be a lot of fun. It's going to be a good series." [St. Louis Post-Dispatch]
Ryan Howard should know more today about how badly he's hurt: "Rather than glancing back at the home-plate umpire in disbelief over a called third strike, Howard's season ended with him writhing in pain on the ground about 30 feet up the first-base line as he grounded out to second for the game's final out. Howard injured the Achilles tendon in his left foot. He is scheduled for an MRI. While the Cardinals celebrated in front of their dugout after Chris Carpenter outpitched Roy Halladay in a classic duel, Howard had to be helped to his feet and off the field. The immediate diagnosis was unclear. 'They took him back in the training room for the doctor to see him," Manuel said. "He twisted his ankle, or tore up his ankle. Don't know yet.'" [Philadelphia Inquirer]
At least Fresno State fans felt worse: "Boise State led 30-0 before Fresno State (2-4) even crossed midfield, and it took a 43-0 lead early in the third quarter on Doug Martin's 1-yard run to extend a run of 104 straight points against the Bulldogs." [AP]
Oh look, the guy the Flyers got rid of did something good: "The Kings' expectations soared when the team acquired center Mike Richards from Philadelphia in June. L.A. has reason for more optimism after his impressive debut Friday. Richards scored the tying goal and set up the winner as the Kings opened the season with a 3-2 overtime victory over the New York Rangers at the Ericsson Globe arena in Stockholm." [LA Times]
Your Manila Mermaids Swimming To An Underwater Abba Symphony Interlude:
Justin Forsett wants to change hygiene: "Seahawks running back Justin Forsett has introduced an athletic body wipe called a Shower Pill that is intended to replace showers for people on the go.'Normally you'll hear guys go, 'Hey man, I'm taking a shower pill today.' That means they're skipping a shower right now and taking one later," Forsett said. They're not intended to replace showers completely, but to be used as needed during a busy day." [Q13 Fox]
It was Marcus Camby's cousin's weed!: "'For the record, my client did not possess any marijuana,' Randall Novak, Attorney for Camby said when contacted by the Journal. 'The Pearland Police did a great job. In Texas, possession of marijuana is not tolerated. But, in the end the legal process determined who possessed the marijuana and that person was convicted.'" [The Pearland Journal]
"Could he be intoxicated? Could he be sick?": "A former standout Greenon High School wrestler and state placer faces felony assault and drunken driving charges after he was captured on video fighting a Greene County Sheriff's deputy during a traffic stop." [WHIO TV]
Today's Soccer Viewing Recommendations: USMNT vs. Honduras at 6 p.m. eastern (Fox Soccer Channel)
Merch: Managing editor Tom Scocca and contributing editor Drew Magary have both written books. You can buy Scocca's Beijing Welcomes You: Unveiling the Capital City of the Future here, and Magary's The Postmortal here. Now do it.