Welcome to Tuesday Night Fights, a weekly celebration and analysis of street-fight videos found on YouTube. Tonight's fisticuffs: "Crazy fight in downtown Houston!!!" Tonight's commentator: best-selling author and SI.com contributor Jeff Pearlman, a one-time virgin, and bane of John Rocker, Roger Clemens and Barry Bonds fans everywhere.
Somewhat recently, I was speaking with a peer of mine about Albert Belle, the former Cleveland Indians outfielder who—to be 100 percent honest—used to scare the living crap out of me.
I was a young Sports Illustrated writer, skinny and gangly and owner of a 0-1 lifetime schoolyard fight record. Belle was a snarling, angry, enormous bull who could kill me with his toenail. He was, often, threatening, and when I walked past his locker, my pace always went from walk to steady jog.
That said, Albert Belle in a leg cast would have been an entirely different scenario.
Leg casts are the destroyers of toughness. A. Because they slow you down; B. Because they reveal genuine vulnerability. If you're wearing a leg cast, you're neither Superman nor Captain America. Hell, you're not even Super Dave. You're just some fool who—clearly—can be injured.
That's what baffles me about this video. Sure, the shirtless dude is flabby and unimposing; a poor man's Steve Zouski (Writer's note: If a guy is walking around downtown—any downtown—without a shirt, never bet on him to win anything. A fight, a skipping contest. Never). But—Jesus friggin' Jesus—his attacker is wearing a thick black cast all along his right leg. Literally, something inside of that thing is broken.
In my mind, I can hear Mickey screaming at the Rock between rounds—"He's got a fucking broken right leg! I'm yer manager—go after the leg! Go after the fucking leg!" I can hear John Kreese calmly telling Johnny, "Sweep the leg, boy. Sweep his broken right leg." Or, put differently: Mike Tyson with a broken right leg doesn't get beyond one round against Sterling Benjamin. Hell, the fight doesn't even happen.
So what does Flabby Guy do when, come 50 seconds into the brawl, he grabs the metal cane from Leg Man? Absolutely nothing. He backs up and backs up and backs up and backs up, until the whole thing becomes a horror flick cliché—slow, steady killer methodically works his way toward the victim.
The poor schlub never had a chance.
And now, the rest of your Tuesday Night Fights:
• Rare is the pajama-clad parking-lot fight that includes the quote "I'm in the process of having a miscarriage right now." But this one from South Carolina does. Woe. (Start of violence, instantly)
• Ayo, shit got real at the Springbrook in Lima, Ohio. Most worrisome is how very few in harm's way heeded the clear-the-building call. (SoV, instantly)
• New Year's Eve Roundup: "We Don't Know Them" (SoV, 0:09). "New Year's Eve Knockout!!!" (SoV, 0:24). "Happy New Year 2013 street fight in USA" (SoV, 0:09).
• Just in case you bought into the STUPID LIES that Russians were, in fact, Caucasians, this video comes to your neural rescue. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, they meant folks from the Caucasus region as opposed to just run-of-the-mill white folk, but what fun would this entry have been otherwise when compared to all the other Russian fights we've seen. (SoV, instantly)
• What Would You Do If You Only Had Seven Seconds to Prove Yourself on the Parking Lot of Battle? (Peak action: 2:28-4:40):
• So, this is what White Boy Day looks like. (SoV, instantly)
• In a foreign land, these drunk ladies fought back in May. It's just now making its way to the YouTube. Or not. Can't tell. But whatever. It's fun. (SoV, 0:05)
• "Angry Asian Man" gets taunted and harassed at a Food Court, fights back, gets "jerseyed," wins. (SoV, 0:03)
• "Homeless old man" vs. "young trash-talking punk." Who ya got? (SoV, 0:12)
• The Street-Fight/Fetish-Film Mash-Up Entry of the Week:
• Per the YouTube uploader, "Two girls boxing while crowd persuades them to fight shirtless." This is a valid description, as shirts are removed. Happy New Year's, everyone, there may not be many more of these left. (SoV, 1:48)
• If you include death metal in your fight video, your fight video warrants TNF inclusion. (SoV, 0:24)
• When street fights require the whipping of the belts. (SoV, 0:02)
• YOU GOT GLASSED BY A DUDE IN JORTS, BRO. (SoV, 1:32)
• Greetings From a Baltimore Bus Intermezzo:
• This week's update from the 215 features RATCHET BITCHES throwing DOWN, yo. In. The. Dirt! This shit rollin', too. Ohh! Worldstar! Rollin'. This shit rollin'. It's goin' tha fuck DOWN! (SoV, instantly). Bonus Coverage: While this happened outside the Chart House in Waikiki, one battler is named Philly, and he's on probation, so it might as well have been in the Del Val. (SoV, instantly). Bonus Coverage II: "Young Jeezy Artist Tone Trump Gets Jumped In Philly By Meek Mill Affiliate Louie V Gutta, and gets his chain taken" (SoV, 0:28)
• From TNF Beijing Correspondent Anthony Tao: "Pickpocket Artist Gets Caught, Clobbered By Students." (SoV, 0:10)
• This parking-lot battle in Maryland extended to a Round Two. In the mind of the narrator, this is an impressive feat. (SoV, instantly)
• Just Another Christmas In Beaumont Postcard Intermission:
• This is positioned as some sort of territorial dispute in New York City. (SoV, 0:08)
• Lady knocks her boyfriend out. (SoV, instantly)
• Oh, those pesky "urban youths" are up to no good again. (SoV, 1:37) Bonus Coverage: "Hip-Hop Night" in Sommerville, Mass. leads to rumpus at the Hess station.
• Sweep the head. (SoV, eh, watch it all)
• Others: "CHICK ON CHICK BEATDOWN IN A STORE!!" "Gas Station Fight" (possible rerun). "Fight at Greene Street Night club." "Brigas de mulherres só as melhores !!!" "20 person brawl terrifies shoppers at a crowded shopping mall." "most horrific street fight in history!!" "Skate Park Cat Fight." "2 white girls Vs 2 Black Girls street fight." "Trillgang TV fight at copa." "Redneck Gets Sucker Punched During Parking Lot Brawl!"
• "Titties Come OUT during big bitch fight" Coda: