Welcome to Tuesday Night Fights, a weekly celebration and analysis of street-fight videos found on YouTube. Tonight's fisticuffs x2: "Nightlife in Philly," a brief window into a fight outside Center City's premier adult movie theatre, and "old men fight." Tonight's commentator: An active-duty Philadelphia police officer we'll just call Frankie who asked for a second chance because he thought Stoya had outwritten him last time.
The only thing I can say about the Forum fight is WHAT THE FUCK? The dudes driving by need credit for being ready to roll at a moments notice. If 9/11 happens on a Friday night at 3 a.m. in Philly, these guys are rich.
Instead of a major terrorist attack they capture a cop acting like a gigantic pussy. I had to watch this video over and over again to make sure I saw what I thought I saw.
He looks like a WWE referee instead of an actual police officer. There are people fighting in the middle of Center FUCKING City. Your job is very simple…end it quickly. I get that you don't work in the hood and you don't interact with people who fight on a daily basis but JESUS CHRIST use your nightstick. That's why they gave it to you.
The weak slap with the Asp at 0:22 was pathetic. The guy in the car could barely speak when he saw it. Just laughed while hyperventilating. You have a group of complete and utter assholes that are blatantly ignoring you and continue to punch each other. That is what we consider a freebie. Step in between them and wreck shop. One whack to a forearm with a metal baton will make most men throw up. At the very least start hitting people with the taser. Just do something. Frank Rizzo is rolling over in his grave and I'm pretty sure Lt. Jonathan Josey just called you a bitch.
So while the Forum was entertaining and embarrassing I have to focus my attention on the Old Guy Fight (an all-time classic). Why? Are you kidding me? The dude looked just like Jeff Spicoli! The video starts off in some boring strip mall with two douches videotaping who knows what.
Then, we see Spicoli wearing a sick knitted sweater while getting manhandled against a black Monte Carlo by Old Tom Sizemore. At the 0:10 mark we hear a man who obviously abhors violence yell to knock it off "before someone gets hurt." This is not what I am used to hearing after watching the eight other videos. (Ed note: Frankie was given several street fights from Philly-ish from which to choose this week).
At 0:23 a man actually has the balls to intervene while wearing an apron. Sounds like the same guy who doesn't want to see anyone injured. Let's call him Mort. It is shortly after this nonsense that some bad ass screeches up in what I imagine to be a Trans Am.
When the badass comes into the picture it appears he is nothing more than an off-duty 80's rock star. Let's call him Bret Michaels. Bret has a bandana on under his baseball hat, has light blue stone washed jeans and white sneakers on. He's ready to fuck shit up obviously. Wrong. Again my hopes are dashed as he then does the weakest/weirdest takedown in the history of the world.
He puts Spicoli in some sort of homoerotic sleeper hold. Mort then demands that Spicoli drop the bat and calls him "sir." Mort is a professional and won't allow Spicoli's antics to compromise his manners. He again yells for Spicoli to drop the weapon but Spicoli scoffs at his demands. Spicoli is a fucking G.
Mort ups the ante by raising his voice a little and tells Spicoli and his yarn sweater that if he doesn't drop the weapon then he's not getting up. With that, Bret really digs in and wrenches the sleeper hold even tighter/gayer. At this point, a mystery man shows up. This legend has on a typical, fake-tough white guy uniform on … a pleather jacket and jeans. Possibly the same light washed Jordaches that Bret has on.
This slick son of a bitch definitely has a gold chain on but the video is too grainy to confirm. Spicoli calls him Jimmy but let's call him Fonzie. Fonzie demands that Bret release Spicoli from the full-nelson of lust and then takes away the weapon. In the meantime, Old Sizemore is bitching about "power of attorney" and "Dad's credit cards." The Fonz looks to have this under control and cooler heads are prevailing.
Meanwhile, the kid taping uses the word "yo" to finish a sentence. Die.
This white trash shit-show is all over who ripped dad off. Sizemore is pissed that Spicoli put $8,500 on the old man's card. Spicoli is brilliant. He obviously put it to good use by getting that sweet jacket and a few 8-balls of quality blow. Suck on that Sizemore.
Finally, these two dickheads taping say some of the most absurd things I've ever heard. First, the one guy says we have to show this to the cops. Umm, what? Where in the fuck was this video taken? (Canada apparently. These two have obviously learned nothing about fighting from the thousands of hours of hockey that I'm sure they've watched, eh.)
Then the other says he should have jumped in and beat someone up because it's perfectly legal. Shut. The. Fuck. Up. We all know that Bret Michaels would have had your ass in a sweet, sensual sleeper hold if you even tried that shit.
And now, the rest of your Tuesday Night Fights:
• They called this one "Uptown Fight Shit Went Down." Another way to describe it is that there were two fistings going on and someone ended up strutting in a firm blue bra, but all four of them should've turned on the camerakin for a failure to do this scene proper justice. (Start of Violence, instantly)
• As the creative minds behind Barley's Taproom Hot Dog Brawl describe matters, "This one couple got kicked outa da club then didn't like no body. So, dey picked some fights then dey got dey asses beat, then went to jail. No animals were harmed in the making of this film." Raycess. (SoV, 0:18)
• Who dat say dey gonna scrap in the middle of Bourbon Street? (SoV, instantly)
• Street-Fightin' Senorita with a Breastus Hanging Out Interlude:
• The crowd dutifully assembled in the called-out-to parking lot, where two young guns tested their mettle against one another in what was deemed by a videographer on hand as the "Biggest fight of the year. 2012." It wasn't. But to them, it was everything. (SoV, 0:17)
• If this video isn't an abject lesson in the inherent wisdom of, and strength derived from, wearing pink tights and a yellow top, nothing will be. (SoV, 0:01)
• Any time a fight-vid description starts with the words, "Some parts are censored to protect their identity. Contains profanity and violence. Viewer discretion is advised." is bears observation. (SoV, 0:09 and 3:36)
• The shipping-container-lot fighters we want, and need, right now. (SoV, instantly)
• Your Bloody, Hi-Def Chinese Street-Fight Intermission:
• In your regular update from the 215: "They Came to a Pathmark in Philly, They Saw a Fight, They Posted it on YouTube" (SoV, 0:30) Or this.
• These just in from TNF Beijing Correspondent Anthony Tao: "Party Official Kicks Woman While His Goons And A Young Child Watch!" "High-Ranking City-Level Party Official Caught On Camera Ordering Staffers To Beat Up Journalists!" And, "Civil Servant Called Out For Beating China Mobile Saleswoman!"
• Here's the long-awaited "hoes tripn on Bourbon Street" live look-in which marks a TNF-day Twofer for that illustrious New Orleans mainstay. Kudos. (SoV, instantly)
• Your Shit Gettin' Real After the Big Sean Show in Calgary, Yo Interlude:
• This poor Spanish cop gets whooped up on. (SoV, 0:03)
• Bienvenido a Mongolia. (SoV, 0:34)
• Others: "Best Street Fight Ever." "Richmond high Brawl Out." "Chinese women street fight!!" "Street fight calle de la amargura Costa Rica." "Fight Out London Oaks." "Raw Footage of Foxconn Protest Brawl and Riot in China." "The Brawl at Nicholet mall." "Vintage High School Fight." "BLOODY STREET FIGHT- RECORDED BY REGGIE FRANKLIN IN HOLLYWOOD." "SoCal Race War - Riot Breaks Out At High School." "PK vs Jaime *Unedited version*"
• Your "Crazy Asian Woman gets her Husband to Deliver a Brutal Kick to the Face KO" Coda: