Welcome to Tuesday Night Fights, a weekly celebration and analysis of street-fight videos found on YouTube. Tonight's fisticuffs: A San Francisco "Beatdown" which was taken down rather quickly a few weeks back. Tonight's commentator: ZODIAC MOTHERFUCKER makes a return appearance, and humbly requested that no spoilers appear in this intro for what you'll soon see are obvious reasons. (Coming next week: Drew Magary on a battle that takes the "or" out of "fights and/or boobs.")
HERE IT IS FIGHTFANS IM BACK WITH ANOTHER RECAP COMMENTARY WHATEVER THE FUCK. NOW I TOLD THAT FUCKING BRIAN HICKEY NOT TO EVEN BOTHER ME UNTIL HE HAD SOME SHIT THAT WAS WORTH MY TIME AND LET ME TELL YOU HE DIDNT DISAPPOINT.
THIS MY MOTHERFUCKERS IS MORE THAN A FIGHT VIDEO IN FACT I DARESAY ITS ONE OF THE FINEST VIEWING EXPERIENCES YOULL FIND THIS OSCAR SEASON: THE ACTION SIMMERS UNTIL IT FUCKING EXPLODES IN A BLAST OF VIOLENCE AND INSANITY IN A MANNER REMINISCENT OF PAUL THOMAS ANDERSONS 2007 MASTERWORK THERE WILL BE BLOOD AND THE AMBIGUITY AT PLAY PUTS ONE IN MIND OF SCORSESES 1976 WATERSHED CLASSIC TAXI DRIVER. ITS SOME SORRY MOTHERFUCKER GETTING BEATEN WITH LUMBER
I URGE EVERYONE TO WATCH THAT SHIT SPOILER FREE AND THEN COME BACK AND READ THIS. BUT IF YOU DONT GIVE A SHIT HERES THE COMMENTARY:
OKAY SO THIS THING OPENS COLD WITH THIS FINE BUNCH OF DEADBEATS HAVING IT OUT ON THE STREETS OF SAN FRANCISCO. THIS DUDES LOOKING LIKE SOME KIND OF LOW RENT TOMMY DAVIDSON RESPLENDENT IN A JACKET OF THE FINEST PLEATHER AND ROCKING THE NASTIEST FUCKING GRILL THIS SIDE OF BOBBY PERU AND HES COWERING IN SOME FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT HYUNDAI BECAUSE HES GOT TWO VERY LARGE VERY FUCKING ANGRY LADIES DEAD ON HIS ASS. THATS RIGHT TWO LADIES AND CHECK THIS OUT ONES PACKING A 2X4 AND THE OTHER SWINGING WHAT COULD BE A DOORSTOP OR PERHAPS A SPLINTERED FRAGMENT OF A BOARD THAT SHE BUSTED OVER HIS FUCKING ASS PRIOR TO FILMING AND FOR HIS PART SKID ROW TOMMY IS DOING HIS LEVEL BEST TO FEND THESE FUCKING HELLCATS OFF WITH A 2X6. APPARENTLY ALL THESE PUBLIC HOUSING MOTHERFUCKERS JUST GOT BACK FROM LOWES. AND THE WHOLE FUCKING NEIGHBORHOODS OUT TO WATCH THIS SPECTACLE WHO THE FUCK CAN BLAME THEM
ANYWAY THE CHICAS ARE DOING THEIR GODDAMNEDEST TO GO HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN ON THIS FUCKING GUY BUT HES DEFLECTING ALL THEIR SHOTS. DEFTLY AS FUCK TOO I MIGHT ADD. MAYBE THIS AINT THE FIRST TIME SOMEBODYS TRIED BATTERING HIS FUCKING ASS WITH CONSTRUCTION MATERIAL. DOORSTOP TELLS 2X4 TO GO FOR THE KNEES BUT IF YOU ASK ME GOING FOR THE KNUCKLES WOULD BE MORE EFFECTIVE. WHAT THE FUCK DO I KNOW. OUR LADY DOORSTOP CALLS OUT FOR A KNIFE BUT THAT KNIFE AINT COMING SO SHE INNOVATES: SHE PLUCKS A MOTHERFUCKING LAWNMOWER FROM THE BACKSEAT. THATS SOME ECW SHIT RIGHT THERE. DUDES UNDERSTANDABLY RATTLED OF COURSE BUT THEN HE STARTS YELLING FOR HIS UNCLE. SERIOUSLY THIS FUCKING GUY IS CRYING UNCLE. HOLY SHIT IF THIS WASNT A DOCUMENTARY I GOTTA SAY ID FIND THAT SHIT DOWNRIGHT UNBELIEVABLE. FORTUNATELY FOR HIM ITS JUST A GASFREE REEL MOWER SO THERE AINT ANY KIND OF DEAD ALIVE TYPE SHIT HAPPENING. AT SOME POINT ONE OF OUR LADIES COMPLAINS THAT HE DOESNT WANNA PLAY FAIR. I GUESS FAIR WOULD BE GETTING OUT DROPPING HIS BOARD AND LETTING THEM MOW HIS FUCKING ASS
NOW THIS IS WHERE SHIT TAKES A TURN: SO FAR WE DONT REALLY KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT WHATS GOING ON EXCEPT THAT ITS FUCKING HILARIOUS. LIKE ANY MASTER DOCUMENTARIAN OUR DIRECTOR IS TRYING TO GET TO THE BOTTOM OF ALL THIS BUT HE AINT HAVING MUCH LUCK. BUT THEN IT COMES OUT: THE ATTACKERS BELIEVE THAT THIS DUDE RAPED HIS OWN DAUGHTER. NOW THATS FUCKED UP. THAT KIND OF SHIT SHIFTS SYMPATHIES REAL FUCKING QUICK. SO THEY LAY OUT THEIR ACCUSATIONS AND HES LIKE I DIDNT RAPE MY OWN DAMNED DAUGHTER THATS MY DAUGHTER. ITS LIKE YEAH DUDE THATS WHY ITS SO FUCKED UP. IN ANY CASE WERE NEVER GONNA KNOW FOR CERTAIN IF THIS AS AN INNOCENT VICTIM OF VIGILANTE OWNAGE OR A LOATHSOME RAPIST GETTING LESS THAN HE FUCKING DESERVES BUT I WILL SAY THAT HIS RESPONSE HAD MY OWN PERSONAL BULLSHIT DETECTOR BURYING THE FUCKING NEEDLE. ITS ALL IN THE EYES AND HIS ARE SHIFTING AROUND LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER. AND THOSE CHICAS ARE FUCKING PISSED. BUT FUCK WHO KNOWS MAYBE ITS ALL SOME WACKY MISUNDERSTANDING OR SOME FUCKING SHIT
AND NOW THE PASSENGER SIDE DOOR FINALLY COMES INTO PLAY. I DONT KNOW IF SOMEBODY FINALLY JUST FUCKING REMEMBERED IT OR IF THAT CHICK ACTUALLY KICKS HIS FUCKING ASS RIGHT THROUGH IT BUT BEFORE YOU KNOW IT HES OUT OF THE CAR AND IT IS FUCKING ON. ONE CHICAS YANKING HIM AROUND BY HIS JACKET AND GETTING A FEW SHOTS IN AND THE OTHER CHICAS LINING UP TO GO WILLIE MCCOVEY ON HIS FUCKING ASS. BAM BAM BAM AND DUDES LIKE AWWWWWWWWWWWWW AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW AND THE CROWDS WHIPPED UP INTO A FUCKING FRENZY AND THIS FUCKERS GETTING JERKED AROUND BY HIS LEG AWWWWW AWWWWWWWWWWWW AND THEY GOT HIM TRAPPED CRACK CACRACK! DUDE FINALLY WRIGGLES FREE AND LEAVES HIS SHOE BEHIND LIKE A FUCKING WOLVERINES PAW AND HAULS ASS ACROSS THE FUCKING STREET. AND AFTER BEATING AND HUMILIATING THIS POOR BASTARD OUR SLUGGER—AND THIS IS THE BEST SHIT EVER—OUR SLUGGER THROWS THIS AWESOME DEVIL-MAY-GIVE-A-FUCK-BUT-I-SURE-DONT SMILE AT THE CAMERA LIKE AINT I A PISTOL? AND THE ALLEGED RAPIST RUNS THE FUCK OUT OF THERE LIKE HE HAS THE WINGED SANDALS OF MERCURY INSTEAD OF A SINGLE FUCKED UP PAYLESS ASS SHOE. RUN FORREST RUN AN ONLOOKER CRIES AS OUR CHAMPION DASHES AWAY TO EVEN GREATER ADVENTURES
FIN
OR IS IT? YES LADIES AND GENTLEMEN THE ACTION CONTINUES IN THE RESIDENCE OF SOME LITTLE OLD LADY WHO DOESNT EVEN KNOW THIS FUCKING GUY. IT SEEMS HE DUCKED THE FUCK IN THERE AFTER HIS TORMENTORS GAVE CHASE BUT SHES TELLING HIM WITH NO SMALL AMOUNT OF URGENCY THAT HE NEEDS TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HER HOUSE POSTFUCKINGHASTE. AFTER SOME PLAYFUL JESTING FROM THE AUTEUR ABOUT HAVING THOSE CHICKS CLOBBER HIS FUCKING ASS SOME MORE WE CUT TO A BRIEF POSTFIGHT INTERVIEW AND OUR DIRECTOR INQUIRES AS TO WHAT THE FUCK JUST WENT DOWN AND THE ONLY EXPLANATION THIS FUCKING GUY CAN MUSTER IS THAT THEYRE TRYING TO START SOME SHIT. YEAH I GUESS YOU COULD SAY THAT
ANYWAY THIS FILM HAS IT ALL: WE GOT A COMPELLING STORY THAT DEMONSTRATES THE NEBULOUS FUCKING NATURE OF JUSTICE. WE GOT FANTASTIC CINEMATOGRAPHY ON ACCOUNT OF THIS DUMB MOTHERFUCKER DROPPING HIS CAMERA AND OVEREXPOSING THIS SHIT AS IF TO REFLECT THE WHITE HOT RAGE THAT THESE LADIES ARE FEELING. WE GOT FANTASTIC LEAD PERFORMANCES. WE GOT SOLID EDITING AND GREAT COMMENTARY AND AWESOME FUCKING SOUNDTRACK CUES. WE GOT A NICE POSTFIGHT WRAPUP THAT DOESNT PROVIDE ANY REAL ANSWERS WHICH IN ITSELF MAY BE AN ANSWER. BEST OF ALL WE GOT A CINEMATIC EXPERIENCE THAT TRULY CAPTURES A GRAND OLD TIME IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD. EVERYBODY INVOLVED JUST SEEMS REALLY HAPPY TO BE THERE. I MEAN EXCEPT FOR THE DUDE GETTING HIS FUCKING ASS BEAT WITH BOARDS. BUT FUCK THAT GUY. THIS IS A MASTERPIECE OF THE GENRE AND I AM PROUD TO INDUCT THIS SHIT INTO THE CANON
And now, the rest of the Tuesday Night Fights:
• Listen, if you're going to film street-fight videos, turn the phone to the side. And if you're going to observe street-fight videos, it is warranted to intervene after a lady gets kicked in the head by another lady. What isn't acceptable: Saying two ladies were fighting when clearly there were four, and not acknowledging how boss it is that the head-kickee just got right the hell back on her feet. Boss of a sparkplug, that lady. (Start of violence, instantly)
• PRISON FIGHT WITH TASER SUBMISSION! (SoV, 0:50)
• Per the uploader's description of this KOless melee, "Nothing much to doo but fight this fat ass leva that wanted to fight So it whent down just like his girlfriend lmao haha." Haha! (SoV, 0:04)
• Here's thonged-fighting proof that the McRib is, in fact, back. (SoV, 0:06) Related coverage: "Brawl In California Denny's Breaks Out!" (SoV, instantly).
• The Semi-Regular Old City Philadelphia Douchebrawl (Complete With Gunplay!) Intermission:
• Russian dude, wearing "Russia" sweatshorts, pees himself after getting knocked out in front of God, country and some lady who talks on a cell phone the whole time he's gettin' beaten on. (SoP, 4:09)
• El jefe takes one minute and 52 seconds of verbal abuse outside Estadio Municipal. He does not take one second more. Nor does his, or someone else's, perro. (SoV, 1:52)
• This is how race wars start. (SoV, 0:14)
• And this is "what happens when you don't pipe the fuck down." (SoV, 0:11)
• Your Infest Pre-Show Live Look-In:
• When "that bitch got you by the hair," it's difficult to get the upper hand in any confrontation. That's the valuable lesson gleaned from "girls street fight." (SoV, instantly)
• Ayo, check out what Kevin saw while he was waiting for his convenience-store pizza the other night. (SoV, 0:07)
• "No, you're the bitch," or, a future Maury preview. (SoV, mostly words)
• Shit got real on 4th Street in Des Moines, yo. (SoV, instantly)
• Sneak Preview of the Russian-Prostitute Centipede:
• From the 215: "Historians Will Have Trouble Explaining How Philadelphia Went From "Nation's Birthplace' To 'Girl Rumble' Host" (SoV, 0:22)
• From TNF's Beijing correspondent Anthony Tao: "This Road Rage Street Fight Is Perfect" (SoV, instantly) and "Nietzschean Gang-Beating In Chongqing Illustrates The Futility Of Resisting Relocate-And-Demolish Edicts" (SoV, instantly).
• What we have here is a failure to provide registration and proof of insurance after a smoky fender bender in Russia. (SoV, instantly). Bonus Coverage: Russian girls fight brutally. (SoV, instantly) Bonus Coverage II: Massive Russian Gang Fight, which we may have seen before; not sure, since all white people look the same to me. Actually, we likely haven't, as I would've noticed Jumping Bro at the 1:02 mark (SoV, 0:30).
• The gender-nonspecific title fight. (SoV, 0:07)
• The "This Is Probably A Crime (Presented With Arabic Commentary)" Intermezzo:
• YOU DONE GOT YOUR NOSE BROKE, KID. DON'T STEP BACK INTO THE RING TILL YOU LEARN A LITTLE BIT OF DEFENSE. (SoV, 0:03)
• Ayo, this is a fiery ladies-room brawl. (SoV, instantly)
• Others: "Angry girls fight in the hood." "Head Banger Knocked Out." "Abo women street fight." "HARRISBURG CITY (STREET FIGHT) LIL SCRAP RIPPING IT UP!!!!!!" "FANS FIGHT BAGARRE RISSA HOOLIGANS 2013." "Fight of School Girl." "60 Parents, Students Brawl at Bus Stop Caught on Camera - Swissvale, Pennsylvania." "Beach Brawl at Secrets Huatulco Resort & Spa Mexico" (minus a brawl). "Girls street fight! really crazy - dangerous and scary!!" "O.T Beatdown." "Orientai bikie fight." "During Fight Girl Pulls Pants Down Wtf."
• The Sucker-Forearm Brick-Smack Coda: