Welcome to Tuesday Night Fights, a weekly celebration and analysis of street-fight videos found on YouTube. Tonight's fight: "GHETTO RIVERDALE FIGHTS BOOTISE VS CHINA BYLOCO DA DON PART1." Tonight's commentator: Damon Feldman, celebrity boxing promoter.
Damon Feldman, a former pugilist whose ring name was "The Jewish Bomber," promotes "celebrity" boxing matches for a living, in which capacity he has sued Jose Canseco (haven't we all?), swum in shark-infested Lenny Dykstra waters, been featured in a YouTube video entitled "Damon Feldman Knocks Out A Transvestite At A Celebrity Boxing Weigh In And Press Conference" and been accused of fixing said events by the Pennsylvania State Attorney General's Office, which he claims won't let him hold a pillow-fighting event.
A kerfuffle over the right to present pillow fighting. Is there no God?
Feldman was the logical choice to offer this week's ringside review of "GHETTO RIVERDALE FIGHTS BOOTISE VS CHINA BYLOCO DA DON PART1." The Hotlanta to-do was such a marvel of humanity that A.) there are two versions of PART1, from slightly different angles; and B.) the follow-up video involves heads getting slammed into car hoods. You can see all three here.
Anyway, what did Bomber see when he watched the fight? He tells me in an email:
What I saw was two girls with no actual fighting/boxing skills battle it out in more of a hair pulling contest! That's what I saw.
Oh yes he di'id, Bootise and China.
If they would of stood up and let the punches go, then it could of been a good fight! But it was a stand-still with the girls pulling hair!
Fair enough. So how would the ladies have fared against Bomber's celebrity boxers?
They couldn't have beaten any of my celeb boxing girls such as Octomom, Michelle Bombshell McGee and so forth.
I dunno. Throw a pair of gimmicky oversized gloves on Bootise and I'm not sure Octomom lasts past the first bell.
And now, the Tuesday Night Fights undercard:
• Kicked. In. The. Head. Kobra Kai!
• This here video is called "Interlachen Brawl Unedited." Interlachen must translate into "yo, grab your camera and head out to the field because one of them gals's tops gonna get fiddled in such a way that we can see bra."
• "Guy Pulls Out Mack 10 After Fist Fight"
• It's difficult to discern which side would be the Greasers and which side would be the Socs, so let's just call both the OC and East Side boys Greasocs and be done with it.
• This guy really, really wants his vodka:
• Ample bosom. Punchy. Old Town Pasadena. And scene.
• This guy in Detroit got knockedthafuckout of his shoes.
• "Drunk People Fighting Crazy." Because that's what they do.
• Others: "Chicks Scrapping After The Club Over Twitter Beef In BX, NY!" "Kira Versus Star." "Trashy Chicks Get Into a Fight at a McDonald's In Montreal." "Gujarat Street fighting caught on CCTV-TV9." "Slap, Slap, Fight." "Heights Fight! Bri VS Parris." "BRAWL MUST SEE FIGHT."
• Coda: "Fatty Bites Guys Ear Off During Spring Break Fight."