I was at an intersection on a six lane road the other day and I had to make a left. So in the opposite lane nearest to me, a Good Samaritan stopped to let me turn. The problem was that she was basically asking me to commit suicide, because motorists in the next two lanes over gave the zeroest of fucks about letting me turn. I have no idea what to do in that situation. You feel like a dick if you turn down the "gift" but come on, people. Anyway, I started to make the turn slowly and hoped people wouldn't T-bone me. Between risking death and not having people like me, I choose death.
Your letters:
Kevin:
Would people nowadays prefer a selfie or an autograph?
So by a selfie, I assume you mean a selfie taken WITH the celebrity of your choosing? I think the selfie wins in a landslide. You can take the selfie and then send it out to friends and post it on Twitter and humblebrag about the time you met James Franco outside a burger truck. That has greater value over getting an autograph now.
I think that memorabilia dealers are such losers that they've destroyed the inherent value of an autograph. I wouldn't ask anyone famous for an autograph now because I'd feel like a fucking creep. I don't wanna have anything in common with Dale Fatrag at the Pete Rose Vegas Souvenir Rodeo. Much better to snap a quick picture together and make my friends feel like LOOZERS for not hanging out with Dustin Hoffman. Look at me now, guys! I am somebody.
Craig:
Don't you think the Edge from U2 regrets his stupid decision to be all iconic with his knit hat? "It's August in bloody St. Louis and I have to wear this fucking hat Bono?!?!"
I think The Edge's hat decisions are entirely his own. Back in the '80s he was rocking that OTHER hat. You know, the one with the brim? That was during the whole Rattle & Hum era when Bono decided he was a native Louisiana bluesman GUMBO GUMBO GUMBO TOP OF THE MORNIN' TO YE GUMBO. Possibly the most annoying version of Bono, and that's saying quite a bit.
Maybe Bono offers vague and pointless suggestions for Edge's hat ("It needs come from the throat of the bayou, Dave.")—dictated by whatever identity the band feels like occupying at the moment in order to capitalize on worldwide music trends—but I think the lead guitarist maintains ultimate hat sovereignty. If I were the Edge, I would choose the hat that Bono liked least as a form of quiet protest.
Anthony:
I'm 19, a freshman in college, and have never had the slightest intention of smoking weed. For some reason, I've always put it on the same plane as every other drug, even though I know after a half a second's thought that that's ridiculous. The problem is, since the start of college, ALL of my friends have started smoking weed out of nowhere. They offer it to me, and to their credit don't push it on me when I politely decline.
I know it's *technically* no worse than drinking, which I do regularly, but still. I can't help but feel incredibly weird about them doing it. Just how big of a jackass am I being? Should I try it once just so it doesn't seem so foreign to me?
Nah. If you really don't want to try it, then you shouldn't. It's not for everyone. I never smoked weed in high school or college. I regret this, because it really would have taken the stick out of my ass, but it's not that big of a deal for you to opt out.
I have a hard time admitting this to myself, but the truth is that weed can often be vastly overrated. I want to like it. It looks fun and relaxing and cool people do it in movies and shit. The legalization movement has made such incredible strides over the past decade that it's hard to sit back and admit that—just like with drinking—smoking weed isn't always a blast. Sometimes you get a shitty high and feel all paranoid. Sometimes you'll get high and a speck of paint over in the corner will start annoying the shit out of you. Sometimes you get high and feel like a bag of dead cats. It's not always the little mental Jamaican getaway that you imagine it to be. Sometimes it just makes you feel useless and stupid. And the powerful strains and concentrates you can take now often serve to make you feel more useless and stupid. It's like enhanced boredom. You can't concentrate. Nothing fully holds your interest except a taco.
So don't bother if you're not into it. It's not like you're missing out on inventing cold fusion by smoking it. Chances are you can live a happy and productive life without it. How High was an entirely fictional account.
Kevin:
Throughout most of college I dated a girl who I thought I would one day marry, but who ended up cheating on me and breaking my heart. Fast forward a few years and now I'm 24 with a college degree, a good job, and a wonderful new girl. Seemingly life is going pretty well, but I can't shake this anxious feeling that this new girl is going to hurt me as well. I've been able to hide it well, but the more invested we get in each other, the more anxious I feel. It's to the point now where I can't effectively hide it anymore and it's starting to spill over into our relationship. My question is, how do I get over/past this feeling? This new girl is awesome and I want to give us the best possible shot of succeeding.
Hiding your anxiety only makes it worse. If you keep all that fear and tension inside and then lash out at the new girl because she ordered the wrong pizza or something, things are only gonna go downhill from there. You'll have to come clean and sit her down and tell her all of your worries. And make sure you tell her, "Now, I know it's not necessarily rational to feel this way." That helps a lot when you're hashing out feelings. You tell the other person, "Look, I know this might not be rational, but I'm just trying to be honest when I tell you I feel that YOU LOOK STUPID IN THAT FUCKING HAT." Really takes the edge off. A good relationship is one where you feel free to share your feelings without fear of judgement or a vase to the forehead.
If you're open and candid without being accusatory, I assume the new girl will give you a big hug and reassure you that this is a new relationship and that you can trust her. Or maybe she'll shiv you in the ribs and take your money because she was an escaped fugitive who was on the lam this whole time. But that seems unlikely.
It can hard to trust people after coming out of a shitty relationship. Some guy will break up with an ex-girlfriend who is dishonest or mentally unstable and then immediately paint the rest of womanhood with that same brush. BITCHES BE CRAY CRAY. Happens all the time. I had a terrible ex-girlfriend and every time we fought—real mean-spirited arguing—she'd keep saying that this was normal for a relationship. And that would, in turn, make me fear leaving and trying out a new relationship, since I was under the impression that they would all end up the same way. NOT TRUE. No two relationships are alike and, if you're willing, you can usually find yourself in one where both the guy and girl are on equal footing. And then you get married and have a kid and the kid OWNS YOUR SHIT. It's really nice!
Doug:
Say you find the best high school football offense in the world. Line them up against the worst NFL defense with an unlimited amount of downs and a full high school quarter (usually 12 minutes I believe)...do they score? More than once?
No. In fact, they'd probably end that quarter with four healthy boys left standing. I don't know how you keep those kids from NOT dying over the course of twelve brutal minutes. It would be watching a prison interrogation.
Ian:
How tall would a woman have to be, in order for NBA teams to have to consider using her for pure height? She can run reasonably well for a big, and she has cleared a physical. She doesn't have super powers, so she's not hitting 50% from 3, but she's good enough to rebound and block shots with the men. At the very least she's no worse than Shawn Bradley. Forbes says 17% of 7 foot tall men are in NBA, so would she have to be 7'6"? Eight feet?
I think over eight feet and able to dunk and block shots without having to jump. That kind of insane physical advantage would be impossible to overlook even if every NBA scout would be like, "Yes, but can she take a POUNDING?!" Very important in any sports that you be able to withstand pounding of any kind. After all, sports are just cleverly disguised excuses for men to pound each other. If you're gonna bring your sky-high vagina into this, you better be able to pound!
By the way, I don't think this will ever happen. I don't think there will ever be a woman physically gifted enough to break through and start for an NFL team (kickers don't count!) or an NBA team. You would need a kind of freakish ability that so far surpasses that of your male counterparts that teams would gladly overlook all the political ramifications of bringing a woman into the fold. (Distraction!) The human skeleton didn't evolve to support someone who is eight feet tall, so even if a woman came along who was the correct undeniable height, she'd probably be too busy having her feet re-broken and put into braces to try out for the Bucks.
Kevin:
A while back, when the yellow line wasn't working for a couple of plays and I was in my usual state of sheer panic that it was never going to come back, I got to wondering what football on TV is going to look like 10 or 15 years from now, and what we don't have right now that we're going to be completely dependent on in the future. What do you think the next few "can't live without" yellow line style innovations are going to be for TV football?
I really don't know how I lived before the yellow line or the FoxBox. I may as well have been blind. I remember that NBC was the last holdout when it came to showing the score at all times because Dick Ebersol thought it gave people a reason to change the channel, which makes him the absolute worst. You could go 20 minutes on an NBC game without knowing what the goddamn score was. They may as well have put a middle finger icon on the bottom of the screen instead.
Anyway, I think a sideline buzzer ought to be implemented somewhere down the line. Just like the technology in tennis that can detect a foot fault, I don't see why the NFL can't have a thing that buzzes if it detects a foot that has gone out of bounds. Then you wouldn't need to sit there and eyebang a replay that's been zoomed in eight times to the point of looking like an 8-bit videogame.
Networks could also use a NERDY NERD sabermetric formula to figure out when timeouts should be deployed, and then flash an OPTIMAL TIMEOUT MOMENT graphic on the screen to make the coach look like an idiot when he decides to bypass it. Because honestly, I have no idea when you should really take that timeout. That would be of greater use to me than the field goal range line, which ESPN tried to make happen this college football season but is NOT welcome on my TV screen.
I also need a dimmer for any football game that takes place in a half-shaded stadium. It's never fun to watch some game being played in Oakland where the runner starts off in the shade, then runs into the sunny part of the stadium and you immediately go blind from the transition. It's like I'm staring at a white dwarf. That needs to be evened out.
It's a miracle, frankly, that networks found useful telecast innovations like the yellow line. You're talking about people that still have graphics with Phil Simms' Keys to the Game, featuring bullet points and then the words "Stop the run". These are not forward-thinking people.
HALFTIME!
Jose:
I've seen The Godfather a million times but just thought of this recently: where did Michael go to college? We know that Sonny doesn't want him to mess up his "Ivy league" suit and calls him a "college boy", but which school he attended is never mentioned. You really think Michael is an Ivy league douche?
He's a Dartmouth douche, to be specific. That's according to Mario Puzo's novel. This is why everyone who has ever gone to Dartmouth ends up being a cold-blooded sociopath who lets nothing stand in the way of their gruesome ambitions. You know, like Mindy Kaling.
Ted:
What is the point of sleeveless undershirts (wife beaters)? The absolute only reason I wear an undershirt is so I don't get pit stains on my nice shirts, and a wife beater completely defeats that purpose. Does anyone's torso actually get that cold under a shirt?
I think the reason people wear beaters (apart from, you know, beating) is so that you can't see the sleeve lines through a nice shirt. I guess those are the male equivalent of panty lines, although I don't really feel as if I've pulled off some great ruse if people can't tell I have an undershirt on. ONLY MY HAIRDRESSER KNOWS FOR SURE.
That's the reason sleeveless undershirts exist. If you think that's worth the open pit stains and enhanced man boobage that comes with rocking a beater, that's entirely your decision. But I'd be just as self-conscious rocking a beater as I would rocking a basketball jersey. You may as well cut out holes where my bitch tits are. No thanks.
(FUN FACT: Back in college, there were beater parties. These were not actual parties, just a group decision by football players to wear beaters only while drinking beer and playing Madden. It just feels MEANER, really. It's as close as your average college student gets to being a mobster sitting in a jailhouse kitchen.)
T:
What's the best direction? I've got to think it's North—top of compass, North Star, North Pole (Santa!) etc. West probably nudges out East for second (Western Civilization, Wild West, go West young man). South is the worst for obvious reasons.
Yeah, but South is kinda warm and pleasant. You got migrating birds and pretty ladies. Don't dismiss South as a direction so quickly.
I'm torn on East vs. West because I'm essentially an East Coast loyalist even though it has sucked here lately. Cold and windy and slushy and everyone's in a rotten mood. If I moved West I'd probably die in a wildfire, but at least I'd be HAPPY. Here's how I would rank the directions...
1. West
2. North
3. South
4. East
5. South by Southwest
Number five is just overrun with corporations now, you know? It used to be about the MARIMBA, man. You have get int line at Franklin BBQ at 6am for brisket now.
Drew:
I opened up a yogurt this morning and discovered that some water had settled on top of the yogurt. I am always repulsed by this. The options I see are as follows:
1. Drink it
2. Mix it in
3. Pour it in the sink
4. Throw the entire yogurt out
The water in your yogurt is a result of natural settling. It's nothing to freak out about. Just pour it into the sink and go from there. I'm sorry to report that the rest of your yogurt does have water in it. That's what keeps you from eating yogurt in powdered form.
I can't believe the success that BIG YOGURT has had infiltrating my household. If you read Mary Roach's Gulp, you learn that most probiotic food claims are garbage and that the bacteria already living inside your digestive system don't need extra help. And yet, my fucking fridge has a whole shelf of yogurt cups and smoothies and tubes. I may as well inject fructose directly into my children's skulls. There isn't a bigger lie in the food business than "yogurt is good for you".
Blake:
How far back in time would you have to take your standard 2013 iPad/Tablet to completely blow the mind of the average person? WiFi became widely available in 2003-04ish right? The first BlackBerry was 1999ish I think. What would 1999 me think of a freaking iPad?
Not far. I mean, the iPhone blew minds back when it was introduced in 2007. That's just seven years ago. It feels like that technology has been around far longer, but no! So, like you said, if you took an iPad back to 1999—back when I still used a Discman—I'd shit my pants.
Of course, a lot of the technology would be dependent on a decent network signal, so imagine whipping that fucker out in 1999 and then waiting for a nearby Apple Airport terminal to give you a signal, then shrugging your shoulders and saying to your friend, "Usually this is MUCH faster." Not so impressive now, amigo. If they invent time travel, I'm gonna need fiber optic internet to travel with me.
Brian:
Where do people who don't clear off the top of their car after it snows (or their whole car, because there is always some asshole who only clears the driver's side windshield) rank on the list of worst people in the world?
But what if they can't reach all the way up on top of the roof? You need like, a stepladder to reach that shit! Sometimes it gets iced over! I'm just making terrible excuses because I went out today with some snow still on my roof. I bet the dude traveling behind me who was subjected to an artificial Kia rooftop blizzard really appreciated it. MY BAD!
Matt:
I consider myself a very sociable person. Have always been able to make friends and pretty much get along with everyone. I have no problem making small talk at the water cooler. But it is always super awkward when I take or pickup my daughter at school. Is this something I have to get used to? Can I change the subject and talk about the viral video I saw of the monkey pissing in his mouth?
It's hard because those are forced circumstances. These are people you see only because they happen to be at the same place at the same time as you, but you have nothing in common with them. You RESENT being forced to hang with them. You see the people at school pickup every day and you're not always gonna have anything fresh or interesting to say to them. About the only new inoffensive topic you can bring up is the weather, and God, it sucks being a weather person. I've done this plenty of times. I've brought up the weather, and then thought to myself, "Jesus Christ, we are really talking about the weather. How did I become this person? I do not like this person." It's a terrible moment in life.
Anyway, these conversations only improve if you've ever talked with your fellow parents at some adult function: a party or some nursery school benefit or something like that. You need a more liberating social environment (with booze) to fully break the ice, and then when you see them at the bus stop, it's more like seeing a friend than some random asshole.
Brian:
Which professional athlete has the most unbridled contempt for his teammates? Peyton Manning? Phil Rivers? Tom Brady? Kobe? Nate Robinson?
It's Kobe. Even after all this time, it has to be Kobe. Kobe could be 50 years old and playing on one leg and he'd still think to himself, "God, I gotta carry these assholes again for another night." Kobe carries the torch passed to him from Michael Jordan and Dan Marino. No football player hated his teammates more than Marino. I bet if you make a salad with Dan Marino, he grabs the dressing from you and kicks you out the kitchen. NEVER SEND A BOY TO DO A MAN'S JOB.
Email of the week!
Thomas:
For about 4 summers in a row when I was in high school/college I used to drive down to Kiawah island in South Carolina and stay with some family friends for an end of summer vacation.
Pretty much the entirety of the trip consisted of golf all day long. The golf courses down there are packed with all sorts of wildlife- gators, snakes, and of course GIGANTIC spiders that just nestle wherever they see fit.
So on one particular day, I tee off from the 9th hole and am walking from the tee to a water jug to refill my water. Water refilled I begin walking walking up the fairway and go to take a sip of my water. As soon as the water enters my mouth I feel something hit my tongue and literally latch on to my entire tongue. It took me a split second to realize that a bee wasn't in my water but a godamn spider. He was hanging on the spicket of the water jug and he ended up in my mouth biting my tongue. I frantically pulled it out of my mouth looking down to see a golf ball sized brown spider that just had his way with my mouth.
Luckily I was on the ninth hole and was able to run in and grab Benadryl but that didn't stop my tongue from swelling to beyond the point where I couldn't close my mouth all the way and freaking out like a girl seeing a bug for the first time.
Even typing this story I can feel imaginary spiders crawling on me. I hate South Carolina.
GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Drew Magary writes for Deadspin. He's also a correspondent for GQ. Follow him on Twitter @drewmagary and email him at [email protected]. You can also order Drew's book, Someone Could Get Hurt, through his homepage.
Illustration by Jim Cooke