I imagine the Padres would use things like tough innings and pitches per inning and total pitches to inform their decisions about how many inning to stretch Paddack this season. I also think if he throws 50 more innings than he’s ever thrown before, it’s safe to assume he will have thrown many hundreds more pitches. Read more

“What about Dennis Rodman? He’s huge and strong! With a build like that, he should have no trouble whatsoever assigning this job to one small man with no expertise handling this sort of thing.” Read more

While I’m sure most uhh “Rockers” fans are, in fact, lovely people, the first sentence has been fixed, and now says “Rockets.” It’s late, dammit! Read more

I saw Endgame its first Friday in theaters, at a suburban Alamo, and there were maybe 20 other people in the theater. I felt like A True Superhero, watching a movie about my colleagues. 
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Fuck no, buddy, I live in the damn sticks! Read more

Man, no one actually reads this shit. You’re safe. Read more

Hell yeah. I knew there was one good Nick out there in the world. Read more

[dying] Read more

On the one hand, I probably store and publish a higher volume of my hate mail than anyone. And on the other hand, I suck extremely hard and am a pile of shit. Read more

Nah, hate mail is a tiny fraction of our incoming email. It comes in extremely predictable waves.  Read more

I saw a 9:35 a.m. showing of Endgame, and I’ve only ever killed one man, on the rails in Wyoming, back in nineteen aught six. It was a dark and stormy night, and Read more

Damn right, buddy. Read more

They serve these extremely obnoxious frozen piña coladas at Disney World pool bars that have a swirl of some sort of berry flavored syrup in them, and my god they’re so insanely sugary and delicious. Read more

I think we will not see the Kraft video, but I hope I’m wrong. Read more

Blow nose, use bathroom, wash hands. That in-between wash is madness. Read more

I mean I will disable that goddamn camera this very instant to prove my innate parallel parking skills. Read more

I would not, but my wife has and does and will again, and I am powerless to stop her. Read more

I think since many staff members are disgusting city dwellers without cars, and since I am older than many of them and have been driving for a long time, and also since I have a camera on the back of my car, I win. Read more

A.C., buddy, this describes almost literally everything I’ve ever written. Read more

Fuck, man. I was on a boat in the Tyrrhenian Sea back in October and it was about the happiest I’ve ever been. Boats are good. Read more