Ten total points in this game. Ten. Farking TEN POINTS. But it's close, and when it comes to neutral fans, a close game is all one can ask for at this stage of the game. Follow the season's final 15 minutes after the jump.
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Holy hammered Jesus on a Triscuit. The Patriots lost. The Patriots lost. Someone put up prop bets on how long until Supermike gets his 4th bannination from the comments.
0:01 — The officials try to clear the field so they can run one final play. Bill Belichick already left the field. Unless Eli Manning accidentally kicks a field goal the other way, we can just about wrap this game up as the most exciting Super Bowl since the Rams-Titans showdown.
0:10 — They just flashed a glimpse of a New York Giants Super Bowl Champions hat. That's a jinx if I ever saw it.
0:10 — The pass goes all the way downfield to a double covered Moss, but Webster bats the ball away. 4th down and 20. How in the world can they win this now? Can they even get to within field goal range in 10 seconds and call a timeout?
0:21 — Brady gets rumpused by Jay Alford for the sack. Is rumpused a word? Fuck it, it's the final seconds of the Super Bowl. It sounds right. I don't have time to fact check.
0:25 — Brady's first pass is heaved over everyone. Nobody touches it.
0:29 — Maroney's return puts the ball at the 26. The Patriots have all three timeouts. All they need is a field goal.
Mercury Morris is totally open to giving Plaxico Burress and Eli Manning simultaneous handjobs.
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0:35 — !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
0:39 — Steve Smith was open on the flat, and Manning finds him. He goes down the sideline. That's a first down.
0:45 — Tyree came remarkably close to hauling in his second consecutive circus catch. It drops harmlessly to the ground.
0:51 — Oh, but he doesn't elude that. The Giants invoke their final timeout.
1:02 — H-h-h-h-h-how in the galactic constellation did Eli Manning not be pushed down by any of four Patriots defenders? Manning stood on his feet, and actually had time to step up and launch a ball down the field to David Tyree. What an incredible play. The fact it happened is way more frightening than Donkey Lips' nipples.
1:15 — Whoa. Asante Samuel lets the ball go right by him.
1:20 — Manning scrambles, but Adalius Thomas catches him.
1:32 — Jacobs forcibly punches through the line for just enough forward progress. The clock stops as if to go for a measurement, but the idea is quickly shot down. In the meantime ... no, nothing happened in the meantime, because the clock was stopped. Another gift for the Giants.
1:40 — On 4th and inches, the refs will call for a measurement. It's clearly fourth down, so consider this a little stocking stuffer for New York. What decision is there, Joe Buck? Punt with inches to go 58 minutes into the game?
I ... I think I just saw Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts dance with jumper cables on his nipples. What's the superlative of Nightmare Fuel?
1:59 — A couple of incompletions pedal the game down to the two-minute warning. I think I see where this is going.
2:39 — Now the Giants team and fans put all their faith into Manning, but first, let's see if Domenik Hixon can find the rest of his limbs after Raymond Ventrone lambasted him on the kickoff return. Youch.
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2:42 — Wait for it ... wait for it ... Brady to Moss. Inevitabilicious.
2:45 — A pass up the middle to Welker gets broken up. Speaking of broken up, there's another Giants defender on the ground, refusing to part with it. They have to be down to their sixth-string safety by now.
2:49 — On first and goal, Brady faked the ball twice, enabling Moss to free himself from the clutches of the defender, but Brady just up 'n misses him.
Even though they're all tired by now, let's move forward and meet ... THE GIANTS DEFENSIVE LINE
Name/Position: Michael Strahan, Left Defensive End
College: Texas Southern
Ht./Wt.: 6'5", 255 lbs.
Fun Fallible Fact: Recording so many sacks in his career would make Strahan a natural to endorse White Castle hamburgers. But that's not his first choice.
Name/Position: Barry Cofield, Left Defensive Tackle
College: Northwestern
Ht./Wt.: 6'4", 306 lbs.
Fun Fallible Fact: In fourth grade, Cofield did a book report on a VCR manual. He got a C-plus on it, which was bumped up to an A-minus because half of the report was written in Spanish.
Name/Position: Fred Robbins, Right Defensive Tackle
College: Wake Forest
Ht./Wt.: 6'4", 317 lbs.
Fun Fallible Fact: Fred Robbins is known for his charitable contributions to Pensacola, Florida. Giving back to his community something they desperately need, once a year he convinces someone under the age of 60 years old to move there.
Name/Position: Osi Umenyiora, Right Defensive End
College: Troy State
Ht./Wt.: 6'3", 261 lbs.
Fun Fallible Fact: Umenyiora starred in his high school production of Gulliver's Travels, but he didn't need to try out. The director felt he was a perfect fit for Gulliver because his name is an anagram for "You Are So Mini."
3:22 — Another first down. Faulk grabs this one.
4:01 — Moss was open, granted, but he's always open when he jumps up in the air. Another first down for New England, and the Pats are inside the 20.
4:53 — Welker nabs his 11th catch. He's over 100 yards on the game. That airhorn is starting to run out of juice. Fortunately Fox Sports also shipped me a kit to refill the horn with more, um, whatever the hell is in airhorns. Loudness, I suppose.
6:04 — The Patriots offense is beginning to make plays and avoid what the football analysts call "getting knocked the fuck around." First down throws to Randy Moss and Welker put N'England on the right side of the 50-yard line.
If you need a game MVP right now, Justin Tuck of the Giants has two sacks and a forced fumble. He's got to be the clubhouse leader.
8:02 — The third down pass to Toomer wasn't awesome enough. Here comes Feagles to punt.
8:24 — Eli Manning shows some kind of elusiveness and mobility — Peyton definitely didn't teach him that — but badly overthrows Burress, who was ridiculously open.
9:30 — On third down, Tom Brady eludes the sack, but the pass eludes everyone's hands. Switch sides.
Coke — Much like the unexpected lead by the Giants, Coca-Cola shocks the world by firing away late in the fourth quarter after a drought of commercial genius with two separate spots with unlikely tandems: Underdog/Stewie and Carville/Frist. I'd vote for an Underdog/Stewie presidential ticket, even if Underdog is weak on immigration. Combining the two:
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11:05 — Let it be known, that if anyone laid money on the prop bet of "two scoreless quarters followed by a touchdown caught by David Tyree," you're officially a rich man.
12:11 — Another first down thanks to the functional legs and hands of Steve Smith.
14:44 — Huge play from Eli Manning to Kevin Boss, who gets behind everyone. Because Kevin Boss is a tight end, he's eventually caught, ending the long pass play at 45 yards.
It's good that people wait until this, the fourth quarter, to text message the NFL to tell them who the MVP should be. Because the game is pretty much decided by now.